Christ – Heaven's Table

Multi-Level Grieving

My personal process of grieving a person who was more than just one thing to me…

This post is going to be a difficult one for me to write, but I am going to press my way through this, with the hope that it’ll help me to further process the feelings that I am having.

As I stated before in my first post of this season (Breathing Again…, posted on October 22, 2022), one of the traumatic events that has happened since my previous post in 2018 was the sudden passing of my brother. November 18^th marks 2 years since I got the phone call from my sister with this soul shattering news. To this day, the thought of him not being here still hits me like a cannonball to the chest. Once my family and I got past the memorial service, I knew that this process was going to be difficult and like nothing that I have ever experienced before. As it turns out, I didn’t even know the half of what I was about to go through emotionally.

What Happened to the Gentle Giant?

My brother was the gentle giant in our family. Well over 6 feet tall, large build, strong, and full of love and empathy for anyone and everyone he’d meet. Two years ago on October 3^rd, he was rushed to the hospital with what turned out to be a severe case of COVID-19. My family, my church, and my loved ones all prayed, and as we prayed we began to see a daily progression towards him having a normal life again one day. By the time November 1^st came, he was out of the coma, going through rehabilitation at a surprising rate, and this gave us a hope and a firm belief that he would eventually be perfectly fine, and that I would be able to hug him and joke around with him as I would always do. On the 15^th of that month, he and I had a very long phone conversation, which was surprising to me because of what he had just came through. He had enough energy to talk to me at length, and even though I kept trying to get off the phone with him so that he could get some rest (he was at home by this time), he kept reassuring me that he was fine. He even sounded so much stronger than what he sounded like in the previous conversations. Our family and I were on an upswing because we saw God healing my baby brother before our eyes…

But then, the 18^th came around…

That evening, my sister called me, and that was it. He…was…gone.

Gone way too young, gone too soon.

A Loss of Words

For a long time, I couldn’t quite articulate exactly what I was feeling. There were absolutely no words that I could come up with to even talk about the fact that he was gone. What I did have was a picture in my mind that was the best way of describing what I was going through.

In my mind, I saw myself standing up, and I appeared to be a cyborg (a human-like being with skin/tissue overlaying a robotic endoskeleton). I am not sure how I knew I was looking at a cyborg, but I just did. Anyway, while looking at myself in this form, I saw a hand suddenly come out of nowhere and grab my arm, ripping the entire arm off. The cyborg version of me started shooting sparks from the shoulder where the arm was ripped away, and it began short circuiting because of the sudden trauma that occurred.

That is exactly what I felt when I heard the news, and for at least the first year afterwards. A part of me was ripped away, and I had no idea how to manage what I was feeling, mainly because I was feeling so much all at once. My mind, heart, and emotions were all short-circuiting. Don’t get me wrong; I’ve experienced loss before. But this wasn’t like the times when I lost either of my grandmothers or grandfathers, nor was it like the time when I lost my favorite Aunt, or the time when I lost my godmother. Those events were absolutely tragic. This event was brutal, to put it mildly.

Learning How to Grieve

I can honestly say that even though this weekend marks the 2 year anniversary of my brother being called home to live with the Lord (he was saved by grace through faith; he was a Christian), I am still learning how to grieve this particular loss. As I just stated in the paragraph above, this is nothing like the other seasons of loss that I have encountered before. God has indeed helped me through this time, and He is still helping me because the pain is still tremendous. However, I am finding myself grieving my brother in different stages or levels. For the first year, I grieved the loss of my brother, the one who was such a big part of me. However, during this last year, I have had to get a better understanding of why this grieving has taken such a toll on me. I found out by talking with my Mom about my relationship and connection with my brother that in many ways, I took on the role of a “mother” when it came to being there for him, especially if our parents weren’t around. This dynamic was portrayed mostly when we were at school, on the playground, defending him, fighting his bullies, and doing my best to come to his rescue when trouble was coming his way. I knew and remembered doing this as a child, but what my Mom helped me to understand is that she and my Dad saw at a very young age (from the time they brought him home from the hospital) I covered him as if he were my own. My brother and I were close in age, but he was my baby. Even as an adult, he never stopped being my baby. So, I have been learning how to grieve for him in this new revelation. I was not his mother, but he was still my baby. I believe that a good way to describe who I was to my brother was an extension of our Mom. Whatever one may call it, I’m learning how to grieve as a sister/mother-type.

This information that my Mom gave me was very helpful, because it shed some light on exactly what I was feeling. However, this also made me wonder if I were to blame at all for his death, because I was the one who should have protected him from the complications of this heinous virus. Could I have prayed more, or prayed harder? Did I miss something? I know that this wasn’t the case at all, but oftentimes we as human beings seek for some sort of answer for life’s mysteries—even if it means that we are somehow to blame. His death was a mystery to me on several different levels. But I know God has Him, and that has to be enough for me. It needs to be enough for all of those who loved him.

Recently, as the date of the anniversary drew near, I began to think about and understand that a sibling is our first best friend. That is exactly what he was for me. It’s bittersweet to realize this now, because I now understand that he and I were so close and so bonded that he remained my first best friend, but because he was also my brother, I took that dynamic for granted. I got so used to him being there that I didn’t always take the time to sit and really think about our bond. I always told him that I loved him, and I always told him that he could talk to me about anything and ask me anything. We would encourage each other when life was hard. We laughed together at family functions when one of our cousins or aunties were acting “extra.” But I never called him my BFF because I didn’t realize that he indeed was just that. This takes nothing away from the ones who are my BFF’s today, but it helps me to understand just how loved and supported I really am. If only I had realized this when my brother was still living. I wonder what he would have thought about this? I’d imagine that he would agree, but he’d also say something goofy so that he would allow himself as a man to feel all gushy and sentimental.

So now, I am learning how to grieve the loss of my first BFF, and my brother, and my sort-of-son. I am understanding that those who are closest to us are more than just one thing for us. For example: both of my BFFs are friends, but they’re also my sisters, counselors, teachers, cheerleaders, confidantes, and correctors when I am out of line. In this season of my life, God is helping me to understand and go through the layers of my relationship with my brother, which is also helping me to understand why I am grieving the way that I am. Every time the emotions would come up to the surface, I would feel tremendously overwhelmed, almost as if I was on the verge of an anxiety attack. Grieving for my brother layer by layer has helped me to cope with those moments when the emotions would come up to the surface, but I also know that I am not done yet and that I still have a way to go before I am completely ok, inside and out.

Conclusion

I do know that a person cannot rush the grieving process, and I have no desire to do so. My only prayer for this portion of my life is that as the Lord heals me and helps me through this, so that I can hopefully help someone else who is also grieving. We may all grieve differently, but at the foundation of our grieving is one truth that can help us to cope and to keep moving forward: you/I/we are not alone, and knowing that can and will give us comfort in times like these.

I am grieving in different levels. I am grieving the loss of my brother and the loss of everything that he was to me. How many more layers do I have left? I don’t know. God has been revealing the layers only one at a time, and only when He knows that I can handle the information and the process that comes with it. Regardless of how many more layers I have to go, I will continue to miss my baby brother, and I am trusting that God will continue to carry me and the rest of my family and friends through this.

Rest in Heaven, Baby Boy…

Losing The Will to Endure (Pt. 2)

Picking Up Where We Left Off

“…Suffer hardship with me, as a good soldier of Christ Jesus.” 2 Timothy 2:3

In last week’s post, I began to talk about what it means to lose the will (or desire) to endure for the sake of the Kingdom of God. More specifically I described how I went from being thoroughly on fire for Christ to seemingly hanging on by a thread to my faith and will to be pleasing to God. I can honestly say that I am so disappointed with myself for letting such a thing happen to me, but I know that God is going to use that part of my relationship with Him to reach others who have also found themselves weary in well doing. So, to that point I say, “to God be the glory!”

As promised there are some things that I wanted to talk about further, and so this post will dive a bit deeper into the aspects of a fading sense of faith and conviction. The first thing that I want to talk about is the concept of being “ritually clean” before the Lord.

Ritually Clean vs. Purified

“For the priests and the Levites had purified themselves; all of them were ritually clean…” Ezra 6:20a.

Years ago I was spending some much needed time in reading the Scriptures, and I began reading about the rebuilding of Jerusalem and the Temple in the book of Ezra (I was going through my own season of “rebuilding” at that time in my life). While reading, I came to the 20^th verse of Ezra 6, and the term ritually clean was something that really struck me. What was so interesting about this term is what it could imply in a broad sense. The Priests and the Levites had a prescribed way to interact with the things of God, making absolutely sure that they adhered to the instructions that God gave to them through Moses, in order to be considered even remotely fit to do the job that was laid upon them at birth. Their garments, physical stature, and everything about them had to be on point in order to be found “ritually clean” enough to come to God and perform the duties on behalf of the nation as well as on their own behalf.

The thing to remember is that this was just the point of order for their appearance and the customs of their jobs, and it was meant to be an outward sign of their heart towards God and His will for their lives (clean, purified, in order, obedient, submitted, etc.) When we read through the scriptures, we see unfortunate examples of priests and Levites who were only ritually clean (outwardly) and unclean (inwardly) when it came to their heart or intention for fulfilling their duties. People like Korah (Numbers 16), Nadab and Abihu (Leviticus 10), Eli, Hophni, Phineas (1 Samuel 2:12-36), and others were examples of how one could look at their outward appearance and assume that their heart was also in alignment, primarily based on their appearance and their position, even though it wasn’t true.

Here’s why this was so important to me in that season years ago and even now: I never wanted to become a person who was only ritually clean before the Lord. In many ways I felt like Jonah, praying from a pit that welcomed me after I made erroneous decisions and lost sight of who I am called to be in Christ. I wanted nothing more but to serve Him with all of my heart and soul, putting my will away in exchange for His, but I had to get into a place where I remember that this was my heart’s desire. I realized a while ago that my obligatory sense of obedience was an indicator that such a thing had happened. When this becomes a reality, the alternate routes into disobedience, the sins of our past, the temptations of the present, and the losing of the hope for the future can become easier and easier to adhere to, and it will alter our sense of worth and change the way we see God as well as others. As I said in the previous post, this is a rather dangerous place to be.

I can honestly say that I am truly grateful that not even this frame of mind is outside of God’s love or His reach! For me, a sense of compromise when it came to how I was supposed to live my life actually became a feasible and acceptable notion in some areas of my life, when it should have been an absolute abhorrent idea to consider. No matter what the sin may be, and no matter how one came to the point of walking in sin, the wages are still death. But thanks be to God because there is no sin that is more powerful than His transformative power as it is applied to those who will come before Him with a heart of repentance and a will to serve Him. His gift is everlasting life through Christ, and the benefits of this severely outweigh any instant and finite gratification that can come from any sin. Furthermore, I am so grateful that God finds us wherever we are, and will do a work within us in order to transform us. We as His people do not have to settle for being merely ritually clean. We can allow God to do a work within us that will deem us (by His Holy standards) as purified vessels of honor, ready to be used by Him for our good and His glory. This truth is something that we must tell ourselves daily, especially when we are in a season where we are rebuilding what we have let fall apart in our relationship with Christ. I believe that deep down within us all lies a deep-seated desire for purification as well as a determination to follow after Christ. We must activate it with a faith-filled “YES” to Him and to His will for our lives!

The Pilot Light

One of the things that I think about the most in times like these is that within my life God has given me such awesome people to keep me accountable and to correct me when the need to do so arises. Two of those awesome people are my Mother and my Mother in the Gospel. At different points in my life they were able to see the things that were changing in me, and were wise enough to pray for me and warm enough to love me through it. As a result of such love and covering, I have always been able to share with them the things that are going on with me and the things that keep gnawing at me—even when I may feel as if I cannot tell them, due to my own sense of shame and guilt. I remember telling them both at different times that I fully acknowledge that I am not where I should be, and that there is more for me than what I see now, and that I trust and know that God will get me to that point if I only continue to believe and really press towards the mark. I also told them that in the seasons where I seemed to fade in my faith or in my willingness to endure hardship like a good soldier, that the Lord has always kept a pilot light lit within my soul, and that this was the reason why I could not completely turn my back on the God of my salvation and the Keeper of my soul.

A pilot light (literally/naturally speaking) is a small gas flame that acts as the ignition source for a larger and more powerful burner or flame. Within our homes, pilot lights are meant to remain lit all year around, so that anything that runs on gas can be immediately ignited in order to provoke a larger and more powerful flame for standard operation of the appliances connected to it. The pilot light ensures that I can use my stove, oven and have access to hot water whenever I need it. Even when I am not at home, it stays lit, basically making every gas appliance operate on standby until I need to use them. Spiritually speaking, God has done the same for me.

As crazy as it seems to me that I let myself fall into a place of apathy in some parts of my walk with Christ, I can honestly say that I did not fully walk away from Him because there has always been a piece of me that knew that I cannot and will not survive without Him, and that my rightful place is with Him and in Him. In addition to this, at His word, His beckoning, His nudge, and the feeling of His mighty Hand pulling me up out of the pits of depression and sadness, He would put a demand on the pilot light on the inside of me and cause me to shake off the dust that had accumulated from the periods of inactivity, which would prompt me to charge forward in Him and for Him. Sometimes it came in the form of a revelation from reading the Word of God, and at other times it came from just being around those who keep me accountable because their presence reminds me of who I am and whose I am. When the larger flames were ignited, I happily burned for God again and for more of Him.

The most interesting thing about this pilot light that God has placed within us all is that it is not only meant to ignite a larger and more powerful flame for our use, but it is also meant to ignite the purification process within the soul of the believer, in order to purify the heart and the mind, the will and the emotions of those who have committed themselves to Him. Just as God had promised to His servants the Levites, He can and will also purify us as His people so that we all can offer to Him an offering in righteousness (Malachi 3:3). As He ignites us, He does a work on the inside of us so that we can be thoroughly processed and purified of self and selfish ambitions and desires, in order to be trusted to do the work that He has called us to do.

Consistency and Proper Maintenance is Key

One of the main issues in keeping myself ablaze with a godly zeal for Christ was the fact that I did not properly maintain the flame or the push. Thankfully, I am now at a point in my life where I am daily learning what it means to maintain it on this level of my walk with Christ. What I did yesterday was fine for yesterday, but today brings about its own challenges and revelations. No matter what the day may bring, I have to start my day with a mindset to seek God and to do His will—no matter how uncomfortable the execution of the tasks may be. Honestly, in this season my love for God is continuing to grow and flourish, and the very thought of how much He has loved me through the ups and down of my faithfulness (or lack thereof) is simply awe inspiring. Who wouldn’t want to serve the One whose grace and mercy keeps us from utter destruction, and carries us into a place or repentance and rededication to Him? He is indeed faithful, and I am so very happy and humbled that He is loving me enough to teach me all over again what it means to daily walk in victory as well as what it means to truly carry the cross and follow after Him.

Conclusion

As I stated in last week’s post, there exists no good or valid reason for a person to walk away from the Lord after experiencing just how good and awesome He truly is, and so I will not be as foolish to say that these posts are my reasons for why I spent a period of time in a less than proper posture before the Lord. What I am aiming to do is to describe some of the feelings and symptoms of the overall diagnosis—losing the will to endure—in the hopes that others who are feeling the same way can see that all is not lost and that God is still very much in love with them.

Today I can honestly say that I am willing to endure because not only has He endured for me on the cross, but He has also endured as I wallowed in self-pity, as I lost my sense of self, and as I was trying to figure out whether I was going to be all in for Him or not. Having a willingness to endure means that I am daily having to push aside my carnality, my will, and my personal feelings, all in order to walk the walk that God has ordained for me. Being willing to endure means that I thoroughly recognize that the way will not be easy, and that I may have to cry my way through some tumultuous times. However, like a good soldier, I know what I am fighting for, and I know that the Commander of the Host of Heaven has my back.

Being willing to endure also means that I am willing to submit to Him and to the purifying process that He brings us all through in order to turn us into the vessels of honor that He desires us all to be. When we think about fire and flames, we know that if we are physically touched by a flame or anything that has been lit on fire, it will not only burn our skin but also cause a great amount of lasting discomfort. The same can be said for the process of the purifying of the Lord, except for the fact that the only thing that is truly hurting is our flesh, our will, and our pride. The end result will be the feeling and expression of freedom and liberty that comes from the Lord burning away any and every internal obstacle and weight that would be meant to keep us down and out of alignment. God is truly worth it, going through the process to be used by Him. When we are through and coming out on the other side, we shall be presented as pure gold (Job 23:10).

To Him, my soul and spirit says YES!

On that note, I will end this particular post with a simple HALLELUJAH! I pray that this post will reach those who are finding themselves either weary or floundering in their faith, and that they that are in this current state of mind will realize that they are not alone, and that what God has done and is doing for me can and will be done for them, through Christ Jesus our Savior.

Thank you for stopping by Heaven’s Table!

Until next time, be blessed and encouraged in Jesus’ Name!

Losing The Will To Endure

Losing The Will to Endure (pt. 1).

How does a person who dwells and operates within the Body of Christ go from being on fire for the Kingdom to distant and lukewarm? Why is it that a minister of the Gospel can be found in a flourishing state regarding their ministry one day, and then living in a state of apathy the next time you see them? Well, I cannot speak for all ministers, but I can definitely tell you “why” from my own perspective and experience, and I can even tell you how I got there.

Remember: God is Always Good.

Before I go any further, I do want to make it perfectly clear that there exists no valid reason for a person to step away from God after they have experienced the beauty, the power, the grace, and the unending love of God, even though it is sometimes an unfortunate occurrence. If one has truly experienced such things as these within their spirit as well as their soul, they will tell you that there is absolutely nothing and no one who can compare to God! A person like myself knows that all too well. So, what does one do? Instead of walking away from God, a person like me would begin to step back from the things that they once found joyous and praiseworthy, yet attempt to remain close enough in order to to appear to be counted among God’s willing workers. This particular dynamic is what is referred to in the Bible as being “ritually clean.” This will be further discussed in parts two of this particular post.

There came a time within my walk with Christ where I began to increase in wisdom, understanding, and a genuine fire for all things God. I loved everything about the Bible, enjoyed going to church and fellowshipping with others, and spending time in prayer was an absolute joy. In fact, I can remember having to get up and get ready for work, and dreading the fact that I couldn’t stay there all day in prayer. I would never say that things were perfect, but I will say that I was determined to go all the way with Christ. As wonderful as it was to feel grounded and completely satisfied with God and His plan for my life, a season came about in my life where I began to experience some of the things that I had only heard about or read about in scriptures and books by Christian authors who were chronicling their journey from sin to salvation and through the dark and despairing valleys. In 2 Timothy 2:3, the Apostle Paul writes these words to his son in the Gospel: “Suffer hardship with me, as a good soldier of Christ Jesus.” In the KJV, the word that is used instead of suffer is “endure.” One thing that I did not realize within the early years of my salvation is the fact that it is so very easy to endure when you are not faced with the heavy artillery of a military onslaught from the enemy’s camp, or being consistently pelted and even pierced by the weapons that have been formed against you.

As I continued to grow and mature in God, I was taken through tumultuous seasons that were designed to destroy me in regards to the enemy’s agenda, but meant to make me stronger and turn me into a fierce Kingdom Warrior who means business, according to God’s plan for me. God was (and is) always faithful, and he carried me through seasons of chaos when I was too fatigued within my soul and spirit to fight, but after a while, I found myself growing weary of the fight in general. In this state of mind, it can be a dangerous thing to keep going without stopping to take a breath and really allow yourself to get in/stay in tune with the Lord and His love for you and your love for Him. Keeping the Kingdom agenda in mind can convince you to keep going, because you decided a while ago to go with God wherever He desires to take you. However, in the middle of battle fatigue and weariness even in well doing, one can find themselves going from on fire for Christ to an obligated servant. What this means is that the passion for God is becoming less and less of a factor, and the driving force is actually one of obligation–to keep a promise, just because you know it needs to be done, and simply going through the motions. God indeed loves a cheerful giver (not just financially, but in every act of service to Him and for His Kingdom), but what He doesn’t take joy in is the begrudging way we often do things for our churches, for other people, or even for Him when we have lost sight of why we do what we do for Him.

How Did You Get There???

So, let me tell you about some of the seasons of fighting that I had to walk through. I won’t go into great details, because then this particular blog post would turn into a book or an anthology! But I feel it necessary to give some examples of what I have gone through in order to clearly display what I have learned as a result.

In some seasons, I found myself at odds with people whom I had held close to me. I am not talking about just the occasional argument or a difference of opinion, but rather times where I found myself feeling pushed away, rejected, and even proverbially spat on by those whom I felt close to. Now, I knew then that these things do happen, because people grow and people change as time marches on. However, what I was not prepared for was the way in which some of these relationships ended. To be perfectly honest, there were times when I felt broken, even shattered. The closer the person(s), the deeper the wounds can and will be when times of severing come about. In the midst of seasons like this, I began to realize that a big part of the reason why I was being pushed away or rejected was because of my faith, my determination to follow Christ, and my willingness to crucify my flesh in order to be used by God to the fullest extent possible. Coming into the Kingdom and receiving Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior, you find out rather quickly that some will not appreciate your internal transformation. What I wasn’t necessarily prepared for (mentally) was the fact that sometimes these sorts of rejections can and will happen with people whom you labor among and fellowship with from within the Kingdom! Getting hit by an enemy arrow or bullet will always hurt, but getting struck by a co-laborer can bring one to their knees in grief. As I was coming out of that season of the initial infractions, I was still determined to go with God, but my passion for the journey was slowly fading.

Then, there were times when the enemy’s assault turned physical, having enough firepower to give off ripple effects that would be felt mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

Growing up in the church, I remember hearing lessons and sermons on the persecutions of the disciples and the Apostles, and hearing about how there were times when the devil would stir up a person(s) so much that they would try to inflict physical pain, as was the case of just about everyone we read about within the New Testament–including but not limited to Jesus Himself. But, within all of these preachings and teachings, I do not remember anyone ever talking about this sort of thing happening to them. It was always taught in an allegorical style rather than in a real life application on the types of battles that God’s people will sometimes face as they continue to serve Him (especially for His prophetic and apostolic ministers). In fact, it wasn’t until I was an adult when I would hear about some of the near fatal incidents of God’s people, and about how the enemy tried to take them out, but God not only spared them but more importantly, caused them to ultimately prosper in their future endeavors!

Counting It All Joy… At First.

In the moments of my life in Christ Jesus when this happened on a comparatively minor scale, I (like many people) was able to laugh it off in a sort of “count it all joy” type of fashion. But the thing about the enemy and the way that he attacks is that he moves like a chess player. I am in no way giving any glory or credit to the enemy, but in order for any of us to be effective in our fight against him, we must understand how he operates. With that being said, it should have been clear to me that once he saw that the assaults that he was launching (in any aspect of my life) were not working against me, then he would change strategy and even weapons. When I finally realized that, I was in the middle of one of the worst physical traumas that I had ever had to endure. Now, I will say that by this particular time in my life, I had heard of how these things can happen, because the enemy will oftentimes do all that he can in order to fulfill his mode of operation (M.O.) as it is mentioned in John 10:10. It’s important to understand that hearing about it and walking through it yourself are two different things. When going through such seasons, our minds have to remain focused on God, and our hearts have to remain anchored in the love of God as well as our love for God. For me, I was so full of questions that I began to lose sight of the love I have for God, and about how in the worst of times, that love just may have to be enough to get me from in the middle of the fire to outside of the fire.

When I let different seasons, difficulties, traumas, offenses, tests, trials, rejections, and multiple levels of pain take my focus off of just how much God loves me and just how much I love God, it became easy to slowly slip out of the perfect place, the secret place (Psalm 91), and the grounded place. After a while, the things that once fueled me in my devotion to the King of Kings were being done out of ritual obligation, sometimes with not much fervency to be pleasing to Him. Don’t get me wrong: I loved God and I truly still do. I had a period of time where I lost sight of why I love Him, which led to the joy of my salvation slipping away from me for a period of time.

No Endurance

With all of these things (plus so much more), I found myself worn, tired, and no longer wanting to engage in the fight. Why should I engage in such a lifestyle, when it has already cost me so much? Why do I have to experience such crushing rejections from person after person? What is the purpose for my mental, physical, and emotional injuries and scars? Better yet, why am I not seeing some of my loved ones going through these things? All of these questions and more became my daily set of thoughts, and unfortunately hearing scriptures like, “it rains on the just and the unjust” wasn’t cutting through the grief and the fatigue. By then, I had officially lost the will to endure as a good soldier. I didn’t want to pick up my sword, fight another fight, even though I knew that through Christ we are guaranteed victory. I no longer wanted to go on another fast, or even pray or intercede unless I was called upon to do so. For me, this was a spiritually uncomfortable place, because I had been exposed personally to the joy and the peace that comes from serving God with one’s whole heart. But, no matter how uncomfortable I was in this stuck and stagnant place, I couldn’t shake the questions of why. It wasn’t until recently when I heard an answer that cut me deep:

“Jesus suffered greatly for you; are you not willing to do the same for Him?”

This was the gist of the revelation that hit me like an 18-wheeler. As I heard the Lord drop this revelation in my spirit, I remember standing there, dumbfounded. Speechless. Had I really become such a brat in the spirit that I was no longer willing to endure for the one who endured unimaginable traumas on every single level–just to make sure that I had access to eternal life and life more abundantly?

The realization hit me hard, because I had finally realized that I had let so much time go by without allowing myself to fully (re)connect to the God of my salvation, the true lover of my soul, and the One whose grace has kept me from falling all the way into a pit of despair and depravity. At one time, God was my hero! Through hurts and traumatic seasons of my life, I had allowed myself to keep Him and His awesome ways at an arm’s length, scared of what would happen to me if I should engage and move in the marching orders of God. So now, I am in a state where I have to daily remind myself of the whole-hearted “YES” that I gave to God once before, and how I truly meant it then. I am learning what that YES means for me now, and I am reaffirmed in my faith because I know that no matter what cannonball-sized hit I have or may have to take in the future, God is simply worth it!

Concluding Part 1.

What can I say about God? His unconditional love is truly sweet, His faithfulness knows no limits, and His Word and the power therein will act as a defibrillator when we feel as if we have nothing left to give Him. Just as He did for Elijah in the cave, He is faithful and willing to do this for us as well. I love Him, and I am in awe of just how much He loves us all!

Until next week, everyone!

Be Blessed In Jesus’ Name!

P.S., Thank you for stopping by Heaven’s Table! If this post or any other post resonates within you, please feel free to leave a comment.

Love and blessings to you all!