So, it’s been a while since I’ve been on this site, and I did not wat to go much longer without at least posting a short message. My last post was just before Thanksgiving, and since then I have had a lot of topics to come to the Table with. However, it seems that a lot of these post that I am working on has me feeling a bit overwhelmed, but in a somewhat good way.
It seems that I have absolutely no shortage of ideas and subjects to talk about on this site. It’s as if almost every other day I am being bombarded with topics and things to consider in my future posts. Honestly, there are times that I feel a bit overwhelmed, but in a good way. This basically means that there are times when all I can do is to write down the topic, or even start to write the blog itself, and then put it on the shelf for editing in the future. As a writer, that kind of inspiration is such a blessing, because it points to the fact that the gift is still flowing. The problem (at times) is the fact that there are periods where there are so many other tasks that I must handle that my writing must be put on the back burner for a day or so. Case in point, my last blog was posted before Thanksgiving, and from the week of Thanksgiving until today, my schedule has been completely different and very hectic. There are times where I am so exhausted that the thought of writing at the end of the day is nothing more than a pipe dream, and all I can do is to put the computer away and aim to get to it the next day. In this new season of my life I am learning how to balance within these new norms, and it’s a bit hard for me at times because I never want to miss accomplishing anything.
And so, as I am looking at the end of a very tough year, I am also looking forward into 2023 with one question: where do I start? With everything that has been handed to me to do, and with everything that God has gifted me to do, how do I balance everything and move forward in a productive ebb and flow? The Bible says in Matthew 19:26, “with people this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” This means that I have to move myself out of the way so that God can move through me as He desires. Within my own strength and know-how, I cannot accomplish anything. Therefore, I must put my trust in God to help me to do these things. With this in mind, I know that everything that is necessary will be accomplished, and the unessential tasks and ideas can be placed in the Master’s Hand until He is ready for me to go forth with it all. On my own, I would absolutely implode in a sudden surge of anxiety, and I would find myself in a stagnant and unproductive state. Seeing that I have been working hard to get past that type of reaction to life in general, Ireally do not want to go back to that again. Instead, I will have to take each day as it is, and ask the Lord to help me to navigate through the day in the best way possible.
To answer the question, “where do I start,” I guess the simplest and best answer would be “with prayer and fasting. This is the best way to start, because fasting strips us of the carnal inclinations and appetites that can oftentimes interfere with our fulfilling of the Kingdom agenda as it pertains to our lives, both collectively and individually. As we are being emptied out of self by the act of fasting, prayer fills up with God and His agenda. With this endowment He gives us the blueprints for the things that He has ordained for us to do in the Earth, and gives us the strength and wisdom to follow through.
There is so much that I want to pour out on this platform. However, I am wanting to pour out according to God’s divine timing. I am excited about this new place in my life, and I am encouraged by the fact that God is with me in this place.
So, that’s all I had for this particular post. There are more to come, and I am sure that they will be as much of a blessing to you as writing and praying about the topics have been to me.
My personal process of grieving a person who was more than just one thing to me…
Me and my brother, many years ago.
This post is going to be a difficult one for me to write, but I am going to press my way through this, with the hope that it’ll help me to further process the feelings that I am having.
As I stated before in my first post of this season (Breathing Again…, posted on October 22, 2022), one of the traumatic events that has happened since my previous post in 2018 was the sudden passing of my brother. November 18th marks 2 years since I got the phone call from my sister with this soul shattering news. To this day, the thought of him not being here still hits me like a cannonball to the chest. Once my family and I got past the memorial service, I knew that this process was going to be difficult and like nothing that I have ever experienced before. As it turns out, I didn’t even know the half of what I was about to go through emotionally.
What Happened to the Gentle Giant?
My brother was the gentle giant in our family. Well over 6 feet tall, large build, strong, and full of love and empathy for anyone and everyone he’d meet. Two years ago on October 3rd, he was rushed to the hospital with what turned out to be a severe case of COVID-19. My family, my church, and my loved ones all prayed, and as we prayed we began to see a daily progression towards him having a normal life again one day. By the time November 1st came, he was out of the coma, going through rehabilitation at a surprising rate, and this gave us a hope and a firm belief that he would eventually be perfectly fine, and that I would be able to hug him and joke around with him as I would always do. On the 15th of that month, he and I had a very long phone conversation, which was surprising to me because of what he had just came through. He had enough energy to talk to me at length, and even though I kept trying to get off the phone with him so that he could get some rest (he was at home by this time), he kept reassuring me that he was fine. He even sounded so much stronger than what he sounded like in the previous conversations. Our family and I were on an upswing because we saw God healing my baby brother before our eyes…
But then, the 18th came around…
That evening, my sister called me, and that was it. He…was…gone.
Gone way too young, gone too soon.
A Loss of Words
For a long time, I couldn’t quite articulate exactly what I was feeling. There were absolutely no words that I could come up with to even talk about the fact that he was gone. What I did have was a picture in my mind that was the best way of describing what I was going through.
In my mind, I saw myself standing up, and I appeared to be a cyborg (a human-like being with skin/tissue overlaying a robotic endoskeleton). I am not sure how I knew I was looking at a cyborg, but I just did. Anyway, while looking at myself in this form, I saw a hand suddenly come out of nowhere and grab my arm, ripping the entire arm off. The cyborg version of me started shooting sparks from the shoulder where the arm was ripped away, and it began short circuiting because of the sudden trauma that occurred.
That is exactly what I felt when I heard the news, and for at least the first year afterwards. A part of me was ripped away, and I had no idea how to manage what I was feeling, mainly because I was feeling so much all at once. My mind, heart, and emotions were all short-circuiting. Don’t get me wrong; I’ve experienced loss before. But this wasn’t like the times when I lost either of my grandmothers or grandfathers, nor was it like the time when I lost my favorite Aunt, or the time when I lost my godmother. Those events were absolutely tragic. This event was brutal, to put it mildly.
Learning How to Grieve
I can honestly say that even though this weekend marks the 2 year anniversary of my brother being called home to live with the Lord (he was saved by grace through faith; he was a Christian), I am still learning how to grieve this particular loss. As I just stated in the paragraph above, this is nothing like the other seasons of loss that I have encountered before. God has indeed helped me through this time, and He is still helping me because the pain is still tremendous. However, I am finding myself grieving my brother in different stages or levels. For the first year, I grieved the loss of my brother, the one who was such a big part of me. However, during this last year, I have had to get a better understanding of why this grieving has taken such a toll on me. I found out by talking with my Mom about my relationship and connection with my brother that in many ways, I took on the role of a “mother” when it came to being there for him, especially if our parents weren’t around. This dynamic was portrayed mostly when we were at school, on the playground, defending him, fighting his bullies, and doing my best to come to his rescue when trouble was coming his way. I knew and remembered doing this as a child, but what my Mom helped me to understand is that she and my Dad saw at a very young age (from the time they brought him home from the hospital) I covered him as if he were my own. My brother and I were close in age, but he was my baby. Even as an adult, he never stopped being my baby. So, I have been learning how to grieve for him in this new revelation. I was not his mother, but he was still my baby. I believe that a good way to describe who I was to my brother was an extension of our Mom. Whatever one may call it, I’m learning how to grieve as a sister/mother-type.
This information that my Mom gave me was very helpful, because it shed some light on exactly what I was feeling. However, this also made me wonder if I were to blame at all for his death, because I was the one who should have protected him from the complications of this heinous virus. Could I have prayed more, or prayed harder? Did I miss something? I know that this wasn’t the case at all, but oftentimes we as human beings seek for some sort of answer for life’s mysteries—even if it means that we are somehow to blame. His death was a mystery to me on several different levels. But I know God has Him, and that has to be enough for me. It needs to be enough for all of those who loved him.
Recently, as the date of the anniversary drew near, I began to think about and understand that a sibling is our first best friend. That is exactly what he was for me. It’s bittersweet to realize this now, because I now understand that he and I were so close and so bonded that he remained my first best friend, but because he was also my brother, I took that dynamic for granted. I got so used to him being there that I didn’t always take the time to sit and really think about our bond. I always told him that I loved him, and I always told him that he could talk to me about anything and ask me anything. We would encourage each other when life was hard. We laughed together at family functions when one of our cousins or aunties were acting “extra.” But I never called him my BFF because I didn’t realize that he indeed was just that. This takes nothing away from the ones who are my BFF’s today, but it helps me to understand just how loved and supported I really am. If only I had realized this when my brother was still living. I wonder what he would have thought about this? I’d imagine that he would agree, but he’d also say something goofy so that he would allow himself as a man to feel all gushy and sentimental.
So now, I am learning how to grieve the loss of my first BFF, and my brother, and my sort-of-son. I am understanding that those who are closest to us are more than just one thing for us. For example: both of my BFFs are friends, but they’re also my sisters, counselors, teachers, cheerleaders, confidantes, and correctors when I am out of line. In this season of my life, God is helping me to understand and go through the layers of my relationship with my brother, which is also helping me to understand why I am grieving the way that I am. Every time the emotions would come up to the surface, I would feel tremendously overwhelmed, almost as if I was on the verge of an anxiety attack. Grieving for my brother layer by layer has helped me to cope with those moments when the emotions would come up to the surface, but I also know that I am not done yet and that I still have a way to go before I am completely ok, inside and out.
Conclusion
I do know that a person cannot rush the grieving process, and I have no desire to do so. My only prayer for this portion of my life is that as the Lord heals me and helps me through this, so that I can hopefully help someone else who is also grieving. We may all grieve differently, but at the foundation of our grieving is one truth that can help us to cope and to keep moving forward: you/I/we are not alone, and knowing that can and will give us comfort in times like these.
I am grieving in different levels. I am grieving the loss of my brother and the loss of everything that he was to me. How many more layers do I have left? I don’t know. God has been revealing the layers only one at a time, and only when He knows that I can handle the information and the process that comes with it. Regardless of how many more layers I have to go, I will continue to miss my baby brother, and I am trusting that God will continue to carry me and the rest of my family and friends through this.
This is a statement that we hear in so many praise and worship songs, and it is the sentiment of the testimonies and stories of God’s people being able to overcome insurmountable obstacles. God is indeed our everything. The unfortunate fact is that there are primarily two times when we would declare and/or fully believe that: first, coming out of a fiery trial; second, before trouble hits our doorsteps. Oftentimes when we are in the middle of trying times, we can easily forget this truth, which is why we often struggle the way we do, and for as long as we do. At least, this is what sometimes happens with me when I am going through hard times.
As humans we were created for fellowship and comradery with one another, but we were also created to have these interactions with God Himself first before anyone else. The problem could be that we are sometimes conditioned by way of life’s circumstances to rely on who and what we see, instead of relying on God. This very well could be the case for most of us, simply because we are unable to physically see Him. It is imperative that we internalize the fact that God is our everything, and cling to this truth when we find ourselves in fiery trials and in uncomfortable places. By doing so, it becomes a bit easier to walk by faith and not by sight, as it says in the Bible. Our faith is the exercise of believing that which has become our reality, even and especially when we do not see the manifested proof of said reality (compare to Hebrews 11:1). Thankfully, to help us get into a place where we can do this, we have a plethora of examples in the Bible to glean from, helping us to learn how to make this our reality, no matter what it is we may be facing.
For this post, let’s look at the call to duty by God to Moses, the former prince of Egypt and the chosen deliverer of the Children of Israel.
“And God said unto Moses, ‘I AM THAT I AM.’ And He said, ‘Thus shalt thou say unto the Children of Israel, ‘I AM hath sent me unto you.’ “
Exodus 3:14, King James Version.
In my personal and yet humble opinion, Exodus chapter 3 has to be one of the most fascinating chapters in the entire Bible. We’re given a glimpse into the life of an 80 year old Moses who is a shepherd over his father-in-law’s sheep, and within a few short verses we are shown the dramatic paradigm shift that takes place in his life. One moment he’s tending to sheep, and the next minute he encounters a burning bush–a dramatic sight that God uses to get Moses’ attention and to summon him into a new place in Him. This is the point in his life where God transforms this humble shepherd into a force to be reckoned with for the Kingdom of God. In this impactful moment, Moses was being commissioned as the leader, prophet, and deliverer to the children of Israel, and as the face of the Heavenly opposition to pharaoh and the demonic system of oppression brought on by the Egyptian powers-that-be.
Part of this transformation and assignment was that Moses had to learn about who and what God is. When we look at the first two chapters of Exodus, it is quite possible to assume that due to his upbringing (being nursed by his own mother until the age of weaning) and his turnabout (turning away from the pleasures of the Egyptian palaces) in his adult years, Moses could have been somewhat familiar with the God of Israel and about His historical fame amongst the children of Israel. Even if this was the case, the culmination of this, plus his time away from Egypt while living in Midian, along with his encounter with God in chapter three, was all used to allow Moses the space and time that he needed to find out who God was to Him as well as to all who are called by His Name.
For Moses, this point of contact with God on Mount Horeb was not only an instructional conversation between him and God, but even more so an informational meeting for himself. The fact of the matter is that Moses had to come to know and understand the truth about God and His power and love for His people as well as for himself. When Moses asked about God’s Name in Exodus chapter 3, God responds first with, “I AM THAT I AM!” The Children of Israel needed to know this about God, but so did Moses as a leader and the one who was hand-picked by God to be the deliverer. After all, how can one teach others about the power and the character of God unless they first know this for themselves?
When I look at this statement, “I AM THAT I AM,” I am reminded that depending upon the translation of the Bible that one may be reading, one may see the scripture say, “I AM WHO I AM,” or even “I WILL BE WHAT I WILL BE.” As for me, my first introduction to this particular scripture (Exodus 3:14) came from the KJV, saying “I AM THAT I AM.” In all of the ups and downs that life has brought to my doorstep, that phrase and the principles therein are what I have had to learn how to cling to, in order to make it through tough situations. God has a way of letting us know that wherever there is a gap to be found in our lives, He is the one that fills it with His presence, grace, mercy, power, wisdom, and love. He is literally everything that we need, and every tangible need that we may have already exists in His hands as He waits for and schedules the proper time to make these things manifest in our lives.
For example: as a single woman, I am often battling against loneliness, feelings of isolation, and will oftentimes equate my present state as a version of the Isle of Patmos (in reference to the solitary and imprisoned state of John the Apostle). There are times when I can go and hang out with friends and fellow church members, but most of the time I may not have the opportunity to do so for a number of reasons. So, what do I do when I am longing for someone to talk to and to conversate with? This may seem to be cliché to some of you, but I literally talk to God. For me, having even a simple conversation with God fulfills my emotional needs as well as my mental and spiritual needs. Furthermore, even though I cannot physically see Him, His presence is overwhelming and fulfilling.
Now, when it comes to talking with God, I am not just talking about times of prayer and intercession and such. The moments of conversation and communion that I am referring to are the moments of prayer that take place while I am up and about, or moving around the house. These moments are for me and Him, as I am pouring my heart out to Him, confessing my faults and frustrations and giving a voice to my hopes and dreams for the future. In these moments I will literally talk out loud to Him as if He were there, because for me He is! Not only do I talk to Him, but I will also listen for His response as He speaks in the still and small voice (compare to 1 Kings 19:12). This is one of the things that God does for me that helps me to not only endure the physical isolation, but also embrace it. After all, who better to present the tough questions to than the God of our salvation and the creator of Heaven and Earth?
There are going to be moments in our lives when we look at the landscape of our present situations and wonder how are we going to make it through to a better day, or even to any sort of blessing that we are seeking from the Lord. We have to remember that every time we ask the question, “How am I going to accomplish or acquire this or that,” God is there, ready for us to ask Him that question so that He can tell us, “I AM THAT I AM!” What this means is that God is big enough to fit into every single situation that we can and will encounter, and powerful enough to bring it all to the point of breakthrough, blessings, peace, joy, and security in Him. God wants us all to remember that He is THAT I AM, as if to say, “that thing that you are in need of, I am THAT for you!”
God is Your I AM.
In times when we are in need of help or intervention in our personal problems and obstacles, asking “who can I go to with these issues and needs, God wants to tell us, “I AM WHO you can turn to, always.” When looking towards tomorrow and wondering “how am I going to get through tomorrow, when today was so incredibly hard,” God would be there to say, “I WILL BE, because I promised to never leave you nor abandon you.” There is nothing in our lives that we He can’t help us through. We just have to make it our business to turn to Him always, making this a healthy daily habit.
In this season I have found myself re-learning these things and actively reminding myself of the many other benefits that come with being a child of God. I have asked myself these very questions that were mentioned in the previous paragraph, and in order to get the answers that I need, I must listen for the still and small voice. No matter what my questions are, and no matter what His answers may be, we must all walk in the revelation that God is the I AM that we are in need of, and He will forever desire to be so for us all. I cannot say that it’s always an easy thing to remember, nor will I be foolish enough to say that it’s an easy walk. However, I do know that understanding and internalizing the truth that God is the I AM that fulfills every need that I may have is something that I strive to do on a daily basis, and that this truth helps me though my toughest times. If we can get this truth down into our spirits, the hard things that we face may not be always easy, but they can and will always become easier in comparison to what it would look or feel like if we tried to go forward without Him being our I AM.
I think that it’s important to know that God wishes to be our personal everything, our very own I AM. So often, we as the people of God will seek the I AM and even preach the I AM to those who are in need. However, we can also forget this truth when it comes to our own needs, as if to say that God is a “corporate” God and not a personal God. As much as He loves the world and His creation, we must remember that He loves us as individuals as well as members of one body. He is not only concerned with those whom we pray and cry out for, for He is also concerned about the personal struggles, issues, desires, prayer requests, hopes and dreams that we all carry. In this season of re-learning these things about God, this is one that I really have to work on, because I have come to realize that I have let a lot of personal requests sit on the shelf or tucked away instead of bringing to the Father. This will be a future topic for another transparent post.
Conclusion
Just like what we see unfold in the life of Moses in Exodus 3, we all have either had or will have an encounter with God that will help to shape who and what we are. In that encounter, God will reveal Himself as the I AM for us personally and also for those whom we are connected to. Before Moses could deliver a nation of people into their own nation under God’s sovereignty, he had to know and accept that God was going to be everything he needed in order to complete this task. Moses had to understand that as the chosen leader, there were going to be only a few people that he could lean on, and that even then there would be times when he couldn’t even lean on them. He had to know and understand that God, as the I AM, was going to be the fulfillment of whatever Moses was personally needing. Therefore, Moses was not only commissioned to be the leader, deliverer, and the prophet to the nation, but he was also to be the example of what it meant to rely on God for everything—from daily personal needs to the needs of the nation as a whole. We may not be called to literally lead a nation of people out of bondage in the same way that Moses did, but we are all meant to be the example of what it means to rely on God and how to receive the benefits and blessings that comes from such a life.
My prayer is that we all would allow God to be our I AM, so that we can be all that He has called and designed us to be. We are not meant to walk this walk completely alone. We were meant to do this thing called life with the help and the guidance of the Great I AM.
I AM is who He is!
Until next week, be blessed everyone, in Jesus’ Name!
P.S. If this post resonates with you and your walk with Christ, please feel free to leave a comment about how you are learning to rely on God in this season of your life!
“…Suffer hardship with me, as a good soldier of Christ Jesus.” 2 Timothy 2:3
In last week’s post, I began to talk about what it means to lose the will (or desire) to endure for the sake of the Kingdom of God. More specifically I described how I went from being thoroughly on fire for Christ to seemingly hanging on by a thread to my faith and will to be pleasing to God. I can honestly say that I am so disappointed with myself for letting such a thing happen to me, but I know that God is going to use that part of my relationship with Him to reach others who have also found themselves weary in well doing. So, to that point I say, “to God be the glory!”
As promised there are some things that I wanted to talk about further, and so this post will dive a bit deeper into the aspects of a fading sense of faith and conviction. The first thing that I want to talk about is the concept of being “ritually clean” before the Lord.
Ritually Clean vs. Purified
“For the priests and the Levites had purified themselves; all of them were rituallyclean…” Ezra 6:20a.
Years ago I was spending some much needed time in reading the Scriptures, and I began reading about the rebuilding of Jerusalem and the Temple in the book of Ezra (I was going through my own season of “rebuilding” at that time in my life). While reading, I came to the 20th verse of Ezra 6, and the term ritually clean was something that really struck me. What was so interesting about this term is what it could imply in a broad sense. The Priests and the Levites had a prescribed way to interact with the things of God, making absolutely sure that they adhered to the instructions that God gave to them through Moses, in order to be considered even remotely fit to do the job that was laid upon them at birth. Their garments, physical stature, and everything about them had to be on point in order to be found “ritually clean” enough to come to God and perform the duties on behalf of the nation as well as on their own behalf.
The thing to remember is that this was just the point of order for their appearance and the customs of their jobs, and it was meant to be an outward sign of their heart towards God and His will for their lives (clean, purified, in order, obedient, submitted, etc.) When we read through the scriptures, we see unfortunate examples of priests and Levites who were only ritually clean (outwardly) and unclean (inwardly) when it came to their heart or intention for fulfilling their duties. People like Korah (Numbers 16), Nadab and Abihu (Leviticus 10), Eli, Hophni, Phineas (1 Samuel 2:12-36), and others were examples of how one could look at their outward appearance and assume that their heart was also in alignment, primarily based on their appearance and their position, even though it wasn’t true.
Here’s why this was so important to me in that season years ago and even now: I never wanted to become a person who was only ritually clean before the Lord. In many ways I felt like Jonah, praying from a pit that welcomed me after I made erroneous decisions and lost sight of who I am called to be in Christ. I wanted nothing more but to serve Him with all of my heart and soul, putting my will away in exchange for His, but I had to get into a place where I remember that this was my heart’s desire. I realized a while ago that my obligatory sense of obedience was an indicator that such a thing had happened. When this becomes a reality, the alternate routes into disobedience, the sins of our past, the temptations of the present, and the losing of the hope for the future can become easier and easier to adhere to, and it will alter our sense of worth and change the way we see God as well as others. As I said in the previous post, this is a rather dangerous place to be.
I can honestly say that I am truly grateful that not even this frame of mind is outside of God’s love or His reach! For me, a sense of compromise when it came to how I was supposed to live my life actually became a feasible and acceptable notion in some areas of my life, when it should have been an absolute abhorrent idea to consider. No matter what the sin may be, and no matter how one came to the point of walking in sin, the wages are still death. But thanks be to God because there is no sin that is more powerful than His transformative power as it is applied to those who will come before Him with a heart of repentance and a will to serve Him. His gift is everlasting life through Christ, and the benefits of this severely outweigh any instant and finite gratification that can come from any sin. Furthermore, I am so grateful that God finds us wherever we are, and will do a work within us in order to transform us. We as His people do not have to settle for being merely ritually clean. We can allow God to do a work within us that will deem us (by His Holy standards) as purified vessels of honor, ready to be used by Him for our good and His glory. This truth is something that we must tell ourselves daily, especially when we are in a season where we are rebuilding what we have let fall apart in our relationship with Christ. I believe that deep down within us all lies a deep-seated desire for purification as well as a determination to follow after Christ. We must activate it with a faith-filled “YES” to Him and to His will for our lives!
One of the things that I think about the most in times like these is that within my life God has given me such awesome people to keep me accountable and to correct me when the need to do so arises. Two of those awesome people are my Mother and my Mother in the Gospel. At different points in my life they were able to see the things that were changing in me, and were wise enough to pray for me and warm enough to love me through it. As a result of such love and covering, I have always been able to share with them the things that are going on with me and the things that keep gnawing at me—even when I may feel as if I cannot tell them, due to my own sense of shame and guilt. I remember telling them both at different times that I fully acknowledge that I am not where I should be, and that there is more for me than what I see now, and that I trust and know that God will get me to that point if I only continue to believe and really press towards the mark. I also told them that in the seasons where I seemed to fade in my faith or in my willingness to endure hardship like a good soldier, that the Lord has always kept a pilotlight lit within my soul, and that this was the reason why I could not completely turn my back on the God of my salvation and the Keeper of my soul.
A pilot light (literally/naturally speaking) is a small gas flame that acts as the ignition source for a larger and more powerful burner or flame. Within our homes, pilot lights are meant to remain lit all year around, so that anything that runs on gas can be immediately ignited in order to provoke a larger and more powerful flame for standard operation of the appliances connected to it. The pilot light ensures that I can use my stove, oven and have access to hot water whenever I need it. Even when I am not at home, it stays lit, basically making every gas appliance operate on standby until I need to use them. Spiritually speaking, God has done the same for me.
As crazy as it seems to me that I let myself fall into a place of apathy in some parts of my walk with Christ, I can honestly say that I did not fully walk away from Him because there has always been a piece of me that knew that I cannot and will not survive without Him, and that my rightful place is with Him and in Him. In addition to this, at His word, His beckoning, His nudge, and the feeling of His mighty Hand pulling me up out of the pits of depression and sadness, He would put a demand on the pilot light on the inside of me and cause me to shake off the dust that had accumulated from the periods of inactivity, which would prompt me to charge forward in Him and for Him. Sometimes it came in the form of a revelation from reading the Word of God, and at other times it came from just being around those who keep me accountable because their presence reminds me of who I am and whose I am. When the larger flames were ignited, I happily burned for God again and for more of Him.
The most interesting thing about this pilot light that God has placed within us all is that it is not only meant to ignite a larger and more powerful flame for our use, but it is also meant to ignite the purification process within the soul of the believer, in order to purify the heart and the mind, the will and the emotions of those who have committed themselves to Him. Just as God had promised to His servants the Levites, He can and will also purify us as His people so that we all can offer to Him an offering in righteousness (Malachi 3:3). As He ignites us, He does a work on the inside of us so that we can be thoroughly processed and purified of self and selfish ambitions and desires, in order to be trusted to do the work that He has called us to do.
Consistency and Proper Maintenance is Key
One of the main issues in keeping myself ablaze with a godly zeal for Christ was the fact that I did not properly maintain the flame or the push. Thankfully, I am now at a point in my life where I am daily learning what it means to maintain it on this level of my walk with Christ. What I did yesterday was fine for yesterday, but today brings about its own challenges and revelations. No matter what the day may bring, I have to start my day with a mindset to seek God and to do His will—no matter how uncomfortable the execution of the tasks may be. Honestly, in this season my love for God is continuing to grow and flourish, and the very thought of how much He has loved me through the ups and down of my faithfulness (or lack thereof) is simply awe inspiring. Who wouldn’t want to serve the One whose grace and mercy keeps us from utter destruction, and carries us into a place or repentance and rededication to Him? He is indeed faithful, and I am so very happy and humbled that He is loving me enough to teach me all over again what it means to daily walk in victory as well as what it means to truly carry the cross and follow after Him.
Conclusion
As I stated in last week’s post, there exists no good or valid reason for a person to walk away from the Lord after experiencing just how good and awesome He truly is, and so I will not be as foolish to say that these posts are my reasons for why I spent a period of time in a less than proper posture before the Lord. What I am aiming to do is to describe some of the feelings and symptoms of the overall diagnosis—losing the will to endure—in the hopes that others who are feeling the same way can see that all is not lost and that God is still very much in love with them.
Today I can honestly say that I am willing to endure because not only has He endured for me on the cross, but He has also endured as I wallowed in self-pity, as I lost my sense of self, and as I was trying to figure out whether I was going to be all in for Him or not. Having a willingness to endure means that I am daily having to push aside my carnality, my will, and my personal feelings, all in order to walk the walk that God has ordained for me. Being willing to endure means that I thoroughly recognize that the way will not be easy, and that I may have to cry my way through some tumultuous times. However, like a good soldier, I know what I am fighting for, and I know that the Commander of the Host of Heaven has my back.
Being willing to endure also means that I am willing to submit to Him and to the purifying process that He brings us all through in order to turn us into the vessels of honor that He desires us all to be. When we think about fire and flames, we know that if we are physically touched by a flame or anything that has been lit on fire, it will not only burn our skin but also cause a great amount of lasting discomfort. The same can be said for the process of the purifying of the Lord, except for the fact that the only thing that is truly hurting is our flesh, our will, and our pride. The end result will be the feeling and expression of freedom and liberty that comes from the Lord burning away any and every internal obstacle and weight that would be meant to keep us down and out of alignment. God is truly worth it, going through the process to be used by Him. When we are through and coming out on the other side, we shall be presented as pure gold (Job 23:10).
To Him, my soul and spirit says YES!
On that note, I will end this particular post with a simple HALLELUJAH! I pray that this post will reach those who are finding themselves either weary or floundering in their faith, and that they that are in this current state of mind will realize that they are not alone, and that what God has done and is doing for me can and will be done for them, through Christ Jesus our Savior.
Thank you for stopping by Heaven’s Table!
Until next time, be blessed and encouraged in Jesus’ Name!
I am finally sitting down at the computer, aiming to get back to my writings, videos, and blogs. A lot has happened since I last posted on this site, and I figured that the best way to start and keep going is to be perfectly honest about where I’ve been these last few years.
Before I get into the details of the last few years, I do want to say just how grateful I am that God has seen fit to rescue me from the inner and external turmoil that I had experienced since my last post was shared. Romans 8:28 says, “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” There is no doubt in my mind that God has a plan for all of my mishaps, missteps, mistakes, down days, fierce battles, and tragedies that I have had to endure. God doesn’t just rescue His people and then leave them on the side of the road to fend for themselves. Instead, He walks us through to the place of the new start to the place of the manifestation of everything that the prior seasons of hardships prepared us for. I am looking forward to blogging about what God has done, what He is doing, and about what I am believing Him to one day do, as a result of a renewed faith and deeper sense of love and thankfulness towards Him.
Girl, Where You Been?!
My friends and family have been asking about my blogging, wondering when I would finally sit down to get back into it. I wasn’t sure about when I would start again, but I did know that some of the recent events of my life had been so jarring that it was hard to even get close to starting up again. For those who know me, they can honestly attest to the fact that I have two modes of operation when it comes to things like this: either I have a whole lot to say, or I have absolutely nothing at all to say. For the past three years, I haven’t had anything to say, but mostly because I was still processing everything that was happening around me. I spent a lot of that time either stuck or just absolutely numb. Oftentimes I found myself thinking about getting back to Heaven’s Table, however I would just sit next to my computer with no idea as to what I should say. And so now, I take a deep breath, and let myself begin this season of public transparency.
Where We Left Off
Taken at St. Peter’s Church in Tabgha, Israel; facing the Sea of Galilee.
My last post was rendered in December 2018. That post came about a month or so after my trip to Israel (which has been a huge desire of mine for a long time), and the entire experience was absolutely life changing, even awe inspiring. The overall experience of the trip still resonates within me to this day, and it has somewhat altered my life goals, expectations, and faith in the most positive of ways. I am planning on writing about a few of the experiences, so more on that later. Suffice it to say that I sat down at the computer in December 2018 with the desire to launch out again on this platform. Unfortunately, life got in the way. I’m not referring to the hustle and bustle of everyday life that can sometimes get in the way of progress, but rather the way that I had been living and battling within this life and within everything that would entail.
As a single woman, I spend a lot of time alone. As a minister in a prophetic ministry, I spend even more time alone outside of ministry duties and obligations, primarily because prophets and prophetic people need solitude in order to hear clearly what the Lord is saying about any number of things.. At the base of all of that I recognize that I have always had days/weeks/months/seasons of just feeling downright unmotivated to do anything productive, including but not limited to the upkeep of myself and my personal space. On top of all of that, the occasional yet overwhelmingly suffocating feeling of hopelessness would grip me in the middle of seasons where I aim to do something, anything. For the most part this feeling would subside just enough for me to get a breath or two in, but eventually it would creep back up around my neck and over my head. After a while, this went from an occasional occurrence to a daily occurrence. With no clue as to how to slough off these weighty feelings, I watched as days went by, paralyzed in an unfruitful place. Don’t get me wrong; I still got up and went to church, I still took turns teaching Bible Study and leading corporate prayer, I cooked, I continued to perform with a local audition group that I had been a part of for a few years by that time, and when invited to do so, I would sometimes go to gatherings and social events with friends. Other than that, I shut myself away– partly because I’ve always been a bit of a loner, but now it was because I just didn’t have the necessary steam to do anything outside of obligatory tasks and to keep up the appearance of me maintaining my personal status quo. I was able to give off the impression of being “okay” by still showing up to these events. If I can seem to be okay, maybe no one will try to fix me, and I can be left alone. It’s a sad (and, in hindsight, terrifying) thought, But that is where I was.
Sure, I would have good days, even great days. I would feel better after reading, praying, singing, cooking, studying the Bible, or even hanging out with my loved ones. Finding bright spots in my day or in my overall life was not the issue. The primary issue was the fact that I did not know how to maintain it.
Time rolls on, and I come to 2020. I’ve officially had enough of this oppressive cycle, and I knew that I needed help to get out of it and to defeat it. But, how? That was the question I asked myself over and over again. After all, as a minister of the Gospel of Jesus the Christ and the Kingdom of God, shouldn’t I be past this particular battle? Why can’t I seem to get a breakthrough in this area, when I have seen so many others receive their turn around or deliverance? After getting wise counsel from those who know me best, I decided to consult my doctor for an additional weapon for my arsenal against this heinous being: depression. We sat down and put together a plan of action to help get me back into a productive state, bit by bit. And as it turns out, this was the perfect timing, because a couple of months later, the world shifted into a state of chaos and uncertainty, brought on by the pandemic of the coronavirus. Now, I was not only alone (physically), but also isolated in the middle of a regional, statewide, nationwide, and even global shutdown. I shudder to think of how my life would have been if I hadn’t sought help against depression!
Getting Up, Then Knocked Back Down
Months rolled by, and despite the fact that I was isolated on my own Isle of Patmos, I was starting to feel okay again. Through virtual connections my church (just like many other churches during that time) stayed connected and even continued to pray together as well as learn and study the Bible together. I stayed in contact with my doctor, I found myself studying the Bible and teaching again with excitement instead of treating it like an obligation, and I was able to breathe again. I was no longer feeling suffocated. I was getting into a pattern around this “new norm,” and then the unthinkable happened: one of my fellow ministers from my church passed away. This loss shook the ministry as a whole, and mostly because we were waiting for and believing God for a miracle. We had to quickly come to grips with the fact that God has indeed delivered them from their pain and suffering, just not in the way in which we had hoped. It was devastating, but we pressed on. I pressed on, until sometime later, when the wind was knocked out of me. This time, it was my brother. After contracting COVID-19, being hospitalized, and then recovering to the point where he was out of the hospitals and rehab facilities and back at home, he passed away from a complication related to the virus.
The loss of my brother was so painful that I couldn’t even fully grieve, because the pain was too great. I kept experiencing what I called “emotional power surges,” where the pain would try to rise to the surface so that I could cry or do whatever I needed to do in order to process the loss, but instead of tears the manifestation of this pain was coming in the form of an internal pressure and anxiety. There was so much emotion that was pinned up within me, and it felt impossible to release it all. So, as I encountered moments like this, I would try to get it out, but trying to do so felt as if I was trying to shove a grizzly bear through a doggy door. Eventually the feeling would subside, and I would go on with my day–that is until it would well up within me again. To be perfectly honest, it still hurts like nothing that I have ever felt before. However, I am learning daily how to handle the pain. I’ll post on this particular topic at another time in the near future.
Picture taken from the balcony at Yad Vashem Holocaust Museum; facing Jerusalem, Israel.
Looking Ahead
These are just a few of the things that have happened within the last few years. As of now, I am finding that I can breathe again, after the wind was knocked out of me at the loss of my brother, after feeling winded in the press after a co-laborer passed away, after feeling fresh air hit my lungs for the first time after so many seasons of suffocating alone under the weight of depression and oppression. Today, I come to the Table with this opening blog for the start of my new season, ready to get candid about the things mentioned here as well as the other events that have transpired within the last few years. My (spiritual) Father says, “true honesty brings true deliverance,” and it is my prayer that my honesty will not only bring me to the point of deliverance, but also to anyone who would read this post and future posts, chronicling my journey into the life and life more abundantly that God has promised to me in His Word.
So, thank you for coming by Heaven’s Table after my unintentional hiatus. More content will be coming up within the next week. Thank you for going with me as I relaunch this blog!
I know that it’s been a long time since I’ve been to the Table, and I hate it! There has been so many things going on in my life that I have allowed to detour me or even completely distract me from getting down to my business. I am determined to close this year out with a “NO MORE” attitude, and start the new season of my life with a new push and a new sense of purpose.
Heaven’s Table is still the place where we talk about Faith, Food, and even Fashion (three topics that I personally love), and due to my life’s journey for the last several months I have got plenty to say about each of these topics. There are a lot of things that need to be brought to bring to the Table.
So, be on the lookout for content on my favorite recipes, my go-to staples for the plus size woman, and talks on concepts of the Kingdom of GOD, and His divine will for our lives! Until then…
“… I absolutely love to cook! When my body is able to physically handle it, you can then find me in the kitchen, cooking dishes that are my take on what I grew up with, trying out new found recipes…”
Cooking for most people is just a necessity of life, a way to feed yourself and to make sure that you don’t perish alone in your apartment from starvation or malnourishment. For others it’s a way to connect to the people around them. The example of a Sunday dinner is fitting to this vein of cooking, because people in a family come together and put their best foot forward when cooking for others. And, if done right, you can taste the love in every bite (unless you’re eating your auntie’s famous green beans, and she’s notorious for using too much salt!). However, oddly enough, cooking is a form of leisure, a way to disconnect from the stressful grind of everyday living. Now, it may not seem to be all that relaxing, with the chopping and measuring, the onions and the bacon grease spatters that always hit you on your skin and not on any clothed or protected part of your body, but trust me when I say that it is relaxing!
These are the reasons why I cook. I don’t have the story of most (home) chefs and caterers, who cooked alongside their parents or grandparents. I didn’t grow up in the kitchen at all, but I was fortunate to grow up around great cooks. And anytime I tried to assist my Mom in the kitchen she would always tell me no and that she had everything under control. So, I didn’t start cooking until I moved into my first apartment when I was about 23 or 24. I started out by cooking dishes that were familiar to me, and I would often ask my Mom for the recipes, to which she would always say, “Girl I don’t know! I don’t use recipes!” She may give me an approximate of this ingredient or that, but the rest was up to me. Eventually I got into a groove, going off of the tastes that I was familiar with, mixed with the approximations of Mom and reading recipes that I would find online when I had access to a computer. From there I started to create my own versions of these foods. And thus, I learned how to cook.
At first I just cooked for myself. Eventually a friend or two would randomly stop by during a meal time and I would offer to them some of what I cooked. If they liked it, they told other mutual friends. After a while I was being asked to cook at impromptu gatherings and holidays, all with the promise to “help out” by the people who would only help me by cheering me on from the living room while I put on an apron and work like Geoffrey or Benson, or Mr. Belvedere! I complained, but only jokingly. The truth was that I loved the fact that people enjoyed my cooking more than I disliked being promised assistance by those who were just giving lip service.
Now, at this point in my life, I absolutely love to cook! When my body is able to physically handle it, you can then find me in the kitchen, cooking dishes that are my take on what I grew up with, trying out new found recipes, and creating my own concoctions and trying them out on my loved ones (Yeah, that’s right! Y’all were eating experimental foods and you didn’t even know it because it was so good!) Food is a way to feed myself and others nutritious and delicious dishes that are beneficial to the body. It is also a love language for me. So, if I’ve ever offered to cook for you it’s because you are special to me.
Finally, cooking is relaxing to me. There’s nothing better than tuning out the world while I chop and sauté, and then cap my relaxation off with a plate of Spaghetti Carbonara and a crusty piece of bread with a personally blended compound butter (my absolute favorite go-to pasta dishes when cooking for myself).
On this blog, there will be posts about food and related topics. Tips, hints, stories behind a dish, and even the occasional recipe will be posted. Prayerfully this will inspire you to get into the kitchen and cook something amazing! So, until then…
“THE most important accessory I put on is a healthy dose of confidence….
#GODconfidence!”
I absolutely love fashion! I’m not one who subscribes to just any new trend, as some of them are absolutely RIDICULOUS (for example, the squiggly eyebrows….UGH!!!) Even regarding clothing and what’s considered “in season,” I don’t always follow that which is laid out for the next few months. I think that I have my own personal style, and that has been cultivated over the years. There are times when I may have the opportunity to go shopping, but I often times do not wear every purchased article of clothing in the same season. In fact, my favorite thing to do is to match a skirt from 3 or 4 seasons ago, for example, with a top that may be more recent, and then add some new jewelry and cute yet comfortable shoes to the outfit. Then, I look in the mirror, then…. BAM! This big girl is ready to head out into the world, head high and shoulders back!
All of this may be all well and good, but it’s not the most important thing I put on before stepping out. THE most important accessory I put on is a healthy dose of confidence….
#GODconfidence!
So, let’s look at where some of our confidence comes from.
People say that self-confidence is key, and it very much is a vital part of a healthy outlook in any and every area of our lives. But, let’s keep it real: when we know that we are loved inside and out, no matter what we are wearing or how we look, this gives us a big boost. The person or people who love us are instrumental in helping us to see beyond our stretch marks, skin blotches, big bellies, cellulite, thin limbs and hair that doesn’t look like it’s been professionally styled by the people who style J-Lo’s hair in the L’Oréal commercials! They embrace our imperfections and become our biggest cheerleaders. All of this helps us to see ourselves in a more flattering light.
At this point in my life I find myself trying out hairstyles, colors, and wearing styles and patterns that I wouldn’t dare to even think about wearing in times past. Polka dots? Blonde hair? Vintage style swing dresses? Tutus? All white dresses or outfits? Neverdid I see myself wearing such things! However, when GOD helped me to be comfortable with who I am in Him, this confidence spilled over into every area of my life, including my clothes. You see, when you’re comfortable with who you are, you can be comfortable in the skin you’re in (and the clothes that cover it!) I’m not the woman to dress to impress anyone. I just simply love me, because GOD loves me!
One of the most important lessons I have learned is that we should never wait on anyone to validate us, regarding looks, talent, value, or anything that makes us who we are. GOD validates me. That’s enough for me. If you are comfortable in what you are wearing, and if you an breathe without popping a button and potentially hitting someone in the temple and killing them, then strut your stuff! Be you in Christ!
“…to live holy before the LORD is indeed His plan for all who would come to Him, and that the key is to strive daily to live as such, with the help and strength of the LORD to do so. Here’s the bottom line: HOLINESS IS STILL RIGHT!!!!!!!!!”
Looking at today’s modern day 21st century Christian, there has become a very noticeable difference between people who profess to be Christians and those on whom you can see (and often times feel) the presence and push of and for holiness. For some odd reason, the two are not the same. Why is that?
To be Saved means that a person has come to the Messiah, Jesus, because they believe in Him as the LORD and Savior of the World. They come to Him humbly to confess their sins to Him, ask Him to forgive and wash them clean with His precious shed blood (acknowledging the fact that He died for our sins so that we would not have to), and then invite Him to live within their heart to be their personal LORD and Savior. To be Holy is, in a way, a believer reenacting this daily. They also look for ways to put away old habits or anything (or anyone) that would divert their attention away from Him as their Father and LORD. It also means that the person has made their life all about GOD and His will, set aside for His agenda in the earth, and they are able to do so while still enjoying life. They are in the world and yet not of the world (John 15:18-19, 17:16). The notion in settling in one of the two can be summed up and seen in these two statements: 1) Once saved, always saved (which is an erroneous teaching); 2) Be ye Holy, for I (your GOD) AM Holy (which is what He wants from all of us)! The second comes with a knowledge that we must repent daily for our sins (sometimes even throughout the entire day) and make a conscious effort to make the LORD Jesus the center of our lives. The reason: if we don’t, then we are prone to walk according to the desires of the flesh (our minds, personal opinions, and desires).
For years, I have heard people who claim to be holy condemn others for their undelivered ways (habits and tendencies that the Bible specifically forbids or warns us against). I have also heard some of those who say that they are Christian (saved) tell a person who strives to walk in holiness before GOD that “it doesn’t take all of that,” basically saying that the person of holiness is overthinking or being too zealous in their salvation. Although both comments and condemning statements are heard way too often, I am so very thankful that there is a portion of the Body of Christ who do not condemn in one way or the other. They have learned that to live holy before the LORD is indeed His plan for all who would come to Him, and that the key is to strive daily to live as such, with the help and strength of the LORD to do so.
Here’s the bottom line: HOLINESS IS STILL RIGHT!!!!!!!!!
What has happened to us as the Body that we no longer strive to put away old habits and carnal appetites? Why have we settled for the blessing of one scripture that says that if we confess with our mouths and believe in our hearts that Jesus is LORD, then you shall be saved (Romans 10:9), and not bother to read the rest of the Book to see all of the treasures and blessings that GOD has in store for those who would push for and strive daily to live a life of holiness for Him? The Bible says, “Be holy for I am holy (1 Peter 1:16).” When did that become antiquated? Or, have we as people changed the very definition of holiness to suit our flesh and not our spiritual health? In today’s modern ideology, there is an erred belief that the rules change as the world changes. For example, the commandments and the laws found in Genesis through Deuteronomy are sometimes thought of as old, or for Biblical times, and sometimes even allegorical (in fact they see the entire Bible as such). But, this is just an excerpt from the same Book that says that these are ordinances for and through “all of your generations (Exodus 12:14 is just one example),” and that Jesus the Messiah is the Word of GOD (made flesh; John 1:14), and that He is the same “yesterday, today, and forever (Hebrews 13:8).” Nowhere in any of the 66 books do we see GOD speak (through the writers) that there will come a day when you don’t have to obey His commands, and that you can make your own rules according to seasons, times and flesh. So, what has happened? Are we as His proclaimed people no longer willing to read the Bible in order to gain the necessary strength to live a life that is holy?
May GOD forbid it, and may He open our eyes in this season, for this generation!
This is just something to think about. Are you satisfied with Saved, or are you striving to live Holy?
We’ll talk more about this at a later date. Until then…
Be blessed (and aware of your purpose and proper place in GOD) in Jesus’ Name!
Greetings! Thank you for taking a moment to visit my blog! It is my prayer that anytime you come to read a post, that you (and all that you would share this information with) will be blessed, uplifted, encouraged, and inspired to live an unapologetic Christ-centered life.
This blog will cover topics such as faith, food and fashion, and any topic that may be related. The purpose for this site is to simply bring an encouraging perspective to these areas in our lives. I have met countless women and men who have had questions or misnotions about one or all of these headings. My hope is that I may shed some light, enough to have people in a better informed place to make quality decisions for themselves. In the same way I must pray before giving out any information, or posting anything to this site, you must do the same thing after reading the posts on this blog, and allow GOD to guide you into all manner of truth. It is more than likely that what I;m able to give on this post will only be a part of what you need. GOD must be allowed to do the rest.
Consider this blog as the table that GOD our Heavenly Father daily sets for His children. When we think of someone setting a table, we automatically think of a table being set for a meal, complete with silverware, maybe even the fancy table settings, capped with our favorite foods. But, one thing about gathering around a table as a unit is the fact that the gathering is about more than just food (even if the food is dynamite!). What makes the table gathering special is the fellowship and the exchange of love and information that often comes even before the last dish of food is placed on the table before us. In the Bible we see several appointed times of feasting that the LORD calls us to, specifically to sit around the “table” with His children to inform them, feed them, and bless them. This table, a small extension of GOD’s table, will do just that.
So, with that being said, come on in, pull up a chair, and let’s talk, share, and feast!
Heaven's Table 