Breathing Again…

So, here I go again.

I am finally sitting down at the computer, aiming to get back to my writings, videos, and blogs. A lot has happened since I last posted on this site, and I figured that the best way to start and keep going is to be perfectly honest about where I’ve been these last few years. 

Before I get into the details of the last few years, I do want to say just how grateful I am that God has seen fit to rescue me from the inner and external turmoil that I had experienced since my last post was shared. Romans 8:28 says, “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” There is no doubt in my mind that God has a plan for all of my mishaps, missteps, mistakes, down days, fierce battles, and tragedies that I have had to endure. God doesn’t just rescue His people and then leave them on the side of the road to fend for themselves. Instead, He walks us through to the place of the new start to the place of the manifestation of everything that the prior seasons of hardships prepared us for. I am looking forward to blogging about what God has done, what He is doing, and about what I am believing Him to one day do, as a result of a renewed faith and deeper sense of love and thankfulness towards Him.

Girl, Where You Been?!

My friends and family have been asking about my blogging, wondering when I would finally sit down to get back into it. I wasn’t sure about when I would start again, but I did know that some of the recent events of my life had been so jarring that it was hard to even get close to starting up again. For those who know me, they can honestly attest to the fact that I have two modes of operation when it comes to things like this: either I have a whole lot to say, or I have absolutely nothing at all to say. For the past three years, I haven’t had anything to say, but mostly because I was still processing everything that was happening around me. I spent a lot of that time either stuck or just absolutely numb. Oftentimes I found myself thinking about getting back to Heaven’s Table, however I would just sit next to my computer with no idea as to what I should say. And so now, I take a deep breath, and let myself begin this season of public transparency.

Where We Left Off

Taken at St. Peter’s Church in Tabgha, Israel; facing the Sea of Galilee.

My last post was rendered in December 2018. That post came about a month or so after my trip to Israel (which has been a huge desire of mine for a long time), and the entire experience was absolutely life changing, even awe inspiring. The overall experience of the trip still resonates within me to this day, and it has somewhat altered my life goals, expectations, and faith in the most positive of ways. I am planning on writing about a few of the experiences, so more on that later. Suffice it to say that I sat down at the computer in December 2018 with the desire to launch out again on this platform. Unfortunately, life got in the way. I’m not referring to the hustle and bustle of everyday life that can sometimes get in the way of progress, but rather the way that I had been living and battling within this life and within everything that would entail. 

As a single woman, I spend a lot of time alone. As a minister in a prophetic ministry, I spend even more time alone outside of ministry duties and obligations, primarily because prophets and prophetic people need solitude in order to hear clearly what the Lord is saying about any number of things.. At the base of all of that I recognize that I have always had days/weeks/months/seasons of just feeling downright unmotivated to do anything productive, including but not limited to the upkeep of myself and my personal space. On top of all of that, the occasional yet overwhelmingly suffocating feeling of hopelessness would grip me in the middle of seasons where I aim to do something, anything. For the most part this feeling would subside just enough for me to get a breath or two in, but eventually it would creep back up around my neck and over my head. After a while, this went from an occasional occurrence to a daily occurrence. With no clue as to how to slough off these weighty feelings, I watched as days went by, paralyzed in an unfruitful place. Don’t get me wrong; I still got up and went to church, I still took turns teaching Bible Study and leading corporate prayer, I cooked, I continued to perform with a local audition group that I had been a part of for a few years by that time, and when invited to do so, I would sometimes go to gatherings and social events with friends. Other than that, I shut myself away– partly because I’ve always been a bit of a loner, but now it was because I just didn’t have the necessary steam to do anything outside of obligatory tasks and to keep up the appearance of me maintaining my personal status quo. I was able to give off the impression of being “okay” by still showing up to these events. If I can seem to be okay, maybe no one will try to fix me, and I can be left alone. It’s a sad (and, in hindsight, terrifying) thought, But that is where I was. 

Sure, I would have good days, even great days. I would feel better after reading, praying, singing, cooking, studying the Bible, or even hanging out with my loved ones. Finding bright spots in my day or in my overall life was not the issue. The primary issue was the fact that I did not know how to maintain it.

Time rolls on, and I come to 2020. I’ve officially had enough of this oppressive cycle, and I knew that I needed help to get out of it and to defeat it. But, how? That was the question I asked myself over and over again. After all, as a minister of the Gospel of Jesus the Christ and the Kingdom of God, shouldn’t I be past this particular battle? Why can’t I seem to get a breakthrough in this area, when I have seen so many others receive their turn around or deliverance? After getting wise counsel from those who know me best, I decided to consult my doctor for an additional weapon for my arsenal against this heinous being: depression. We sat down and put together a plan of action to help get me back into a productive state, bit by bit. And as it turns out, this was the perfect timing, because a couple of months later, the world shifted into a state of chaos and uncertainty, brought on by the pandemic of the coronavirus. Now, I was not only alone (physically), but also isolated in the middle of a regional, statewide, nationwide, and even global shutdown. I shudder to think of how my life would have been if I hadn’t sought help against depression!

Getting Up, Then Knocked Back Down

Months rolled by, and despite the fact that I was isolated on my own Isle of Patmos, I was starting to feel okay again. Through virtual connections my church (just like many other churches during that time) stayed connected and even continued to pray together as well as learn and study the Bible together. I stayed in contact with my doctor, I found myself studying the Bible and teaching again with excitement instead of treating it like an obligation, and I was able to breathe again. I was no longer feeling suffocated. I was getting into a pattern around this “new norm,” and then the unthinkable happened: one of my fellow ministers from my church passed away. This loss shook the ministry as a whole, and mostly because we were waiting for and believing God for a miracle. We had to quickly come to grips with the fact that God has indeed delivered them from their pain and suffering, just not in the way in which we had hoped. It was devastating, but we pressed on. I pressed on, until sometime later, when the wind was knocked out of me. This time, it was my brother. After contracting COVID-19, being hospitalized, and then recovering to the point where he was out of the hospitals and rehab facilities and back at home, he passed away from a complication related to the virus.

The loss of my brother was so painful that I couldn’t even fully grieve, because the pain was too great. I kept experiencing what I called “emotional power surges,” where the pain would try to rise to the surface so that I could cry or do whatever I needed to do in order to process the loss, but instead of tears the manifestation of this pain was coming in the form of an internal pressure and anxiety. There was so much emotion that was pinned up within me, and it felt impossible to release it all. So, as I encountered moments like this, I would try to get it out, but trying to do so felt as if I was trying to shove a grizzly bear through a doggy door. Eventually the feeling would subside, and I would go on with my day–that is until it would well up within me again. To be perfectly honest, it still hurts like nothing that I have ever felt before. However, I am learning daily how to handle the pain. I’ll post on this particular topic at another time in the near future.

Picture taken from the balcony at Yad Vashem Holocaust Museum; facing Jerusalem, Israel.

Looking Ahead

These are just a few of the things that have happened within the last few years. As of now, I am finding that I can breathe again, after the wind was knocked out of me at the loss of my brother, after feeling winded in the press after a co-laborer passed away, after feeling fresh air hit my lungs for the first time after so many seasons of suffocating alone under the weight of depression and oppression. Today, I come to the Table with this opening blog for the start of my new season, ready to get candid about the things mentioned here as well as the other events that have transpired within the last few years. My (spiritual) Father says, “true honesty brings true deliverance,” and it is my prayer that my honesty will not only bring me to the point of deliverance, but also to anyone who would read this post and future posts, chronicling my journey into the life and life more abundantly that God has promised to me in His Word.

So, thank you for coming by Heaven’s Table after my unintentional hiatus. More content will be coming up within the next week. Thank you for going with me as I relaunch this blog!

Be blessed in Jesus’ Name!


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