So, it’s been a while since I’ve been on this site, and I did not wat to go much longer without at least posting a short message. My last post was just before Thanksgiving, and since then I have had a lot of topics to come to the Table with. However, it seems that a lot of these post that I am working on has me feeling a bit overwhelmed, but in a somewhat good way.
It seems that I have absolutely no shortage of ideas and subjects to talk about on this site. It’s as if almost every other day I am being bombarded with topics and things to consider in my future posts. Honestly, there are times that I feel a bit overwhelmed, but in a good way. This basically means that there are times when all I can do is to write down the topic, or even start to write the blog itself, and then put it on the shelf for editing in the future. As a writer, that kind of inspiration is such a blessing, because it points to the fact that the gift is still flowing. The problem (at times) is the fact that there are periods where there are so many other tasks that I must handle that my writing must be put on the back burner for a day or so. Case in point, my last blog was posted before Thanksgiving, and from the week of Thanksgiving until today, my schedule has been completely different and very hectic. There are times where I am so exhausted that the thought of writing at the end of the day is nothing more than a pipe dream, and all I can do is to put the computer away and aim to get to it the next day. In this new season of my life I am learning how to balance within these new norms, and it’s a bit hard for me at times because I never want to miss accomplishing anything.
And so, as I am looking at the end of a very tough year, I am also looking forward into 2023 with one question: where do I start? With everything that has been handed to me to do, and with everything that God has gifted me to do, how do I balance everything and move forward in a productive ebb and flow? The Bible says in Matthew 19:26, “with people this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” This means that I have to move myself out of the way so that God can move through me as He desires. Within my own strength and know-how, I cannot accomplish anything. Therefore, I must put my trust in God to help me to do these things. With this in mind, I know that everything that is necessary will be accomplished, and the unessential tasks and ideas can be placed in the Master’s Hand until He is ready for me to go forth with it all. On my own, I would absolutely implode in a sudden surge of anxiety, and I would find myself in a stagnant and unproductive state. Seeing that I have been working hard to get past that type of reaction to life in general, Ireally do not want to go back to that again. Instead, I will have to take each day as it is, and ask the Lord to help me to navigate through the day in the best way possible.
To answer the question, “where do I start,” I guess the simplest and best answer would be “with prayer and fasting. This is the best way to start, because fasting strips us of the carnal inclinations and appetites that can oftentimes interfere with our fulfilling of the Kingdom agenda as it pertains to our lives, both collectively and individually. As we are being emptied out of self by the act of fasting, prayer fills up with God and His agenda. With this endowment He gives us the blueprints for the things that He has ordained for us to do in the Earth, and gives us the strength and wisdom to follow through.
There is so much that I want to pour out on this platform. However, I am wanting to pour out according to God’s divine timing. I am excited about this new place in my life, and I am encouraged by the fact that God is with me in this place.
So, that’s all I had for this particular post. There are more to come, and I am sure that they will be as much of a blessing to you as writing and praying about the topics have been to me.
This is a statement that we hear in so many praise and worship songs, and it is the sentiment of the testimonies and stories of God’s people being able to overcome insurmountable obstacles. God is indeed our everything. The unfortunate fact is that there are primarily two times when we would declare and/or fully believe that: first, coming out of a fiery trial; second, before trouble hits our doorsteps. Oftentimes when we are in the middle of trying times, we can easily forget this truth, which is why we often struggle the way we do, and for as long as we do. At least, this is what sometimes happens with me when I am going through hard times.
As humans we were created for fellowship and comradery with one another, but we were also created to have these interactions with God Himself first before anyone else. The problem could be that we are sometimes conditioned by way of life’s circumstances to rely on who and what we see, instead of relying on God. This very well could be the case for most of us, simply because we are unable to physically see Him. It is imperative that we internalize the fact that God is our everything, and cling to this truth when we find ourselves in fiery trials and in uncomfortable places. By doing so, it becomes a bit easier to walk by faith and not by sight, as it says in the Bible. Our faith is the exercise of believing that which has become our reality, even and especially when we do not see the manifested proof of said reality (compare to Hebrews 11:1). Thankfully, to help us get into a place where we can do this, we have a plethora of examples in the Bible to glean from, helping us to learn how to make this our reality, no matter what it is we may be facing.
For this post, let’s look at the call to duty by God to Moses, the former prince of Egypt and the chosen deliverer of the Children of Israel.
“And God said unto Moses, ‘I AM THAT I AM.’ And He said, ‘Thus shalt thou say unto the Children of Israel, ‘I AM hath sent me unto you.’ “
Exodus 3:14, King James Version.
In my personal and yet humble opinion, Exodus chapter 3 has to be one of the most fascinating chapters in the entire Bible. We’re given a glimpse into the life of an 80 year old Moses who is a shepherd over his father-in-law’s sheep, and within a few short verses we are shown the dramatic paradigm shift that takes place in his life. One moment he’s tending to sheep, and the next minute he encounters a burning bush–a dramatic sight that God uses to get Moses’ attention and to summon him into a new place in Him. This is the point in his life where God transforms this humble shepherd into a force to be reckoned with for the Kingdom of God. In this impactful moment, Moses was being commissioned as the leader, prophet, and deliverer to the children of Israel, and as the face of the Heavenly opposition to pharaoh and the demonic system of oppression brought on by the Egyptian powers-that-be.
Part of this transformation and assignment was that Moses had to learn about who and what God is. When we look at the first two chapters of Exodus, it is quite possible to assume that due to his upbringing (being nursed by his own mother until the age of weaning) and his turnabout (turning away from the pleasures of the Egyptian palaces) in his adult years, Moses could have been somewhat familiar with the God of Israel and about His historical fame amongst the children of Israel. Even if this was the case, the culmination of this, plus his time away from Egypt while living in Midian, along with his encounter with God in chapter three, was all used to allow Moses the space and time that he needed to find out who God was to Him as well as to all who are called by His Name.
For Moses, this point of contact with God on Mount Horeb was not only an instructional conversation between him and God, but even more so an informational meeting for himself. The fact of the matter is that Moses had to come to know and understand the truth about God and His power and love for His people as well as for himself. When Moses asked about God’s Name in Exodus chapter 3, God responds first with, “I AM THAT I AM!” The Children of Israel needed to know this about God, but so did Moses as a leader and the one who was hand-picked by God to be the deliverer. After all, how can one teach others about the power and the character of God unless they first know this for themselves?
When I look at this statement, “I AM THAT I AM,” I am reminded that depending upon the translation of the Bible that one may be reading, one may see the scripture say, “I AM WHO I AM,” or even “I WILL BE WHAT I WILL BE.” As for me, my first introduction to this particular scripture (Exodus 3:14) came from the KJV, saying “I AM THAT I AM.” In all of the ups and downs that life has brought to my doorstep, that phrase and the principles therein are what I have had to learn how to cling to, in order to make it through tough situations. God has a way of letting us know that wherever there is a gap to be found in our lives, He is the one that fills it with His presence, grace, mercy, power, wisdom, and love. He is literally everything that we need, and every tangible need that we may have already exists in His hands as He waits for and schedules the proper time to make these things manifest in our lives.
For example: as a single woman, I am often battling against loneliness, feelings of isolation, and will oftentimes equate my present state as a version of the Isle of Patmos (in reference to the solitary and imprisoned state of John the Apostle). There are times when I can go and hang out with friends and fellow church members, but most of the time I may not have the opportunity to do so for a number of reasons. So, what do I do when I am longing for someone to talk to and to conversate with? This may seem to be cliché to some of you, but I literally talk to God. For me, having even a simple conversation with God fulfills my emotional needs as well as my mental and spiritual needs. Furthermore, even though I cannot physically see Him, His presence is overwhelming and fulfilling.
Now, when it comes to talking with God, I am not just talking about times of prayer and intercession and such. The moments of conversation and communion that I am referring to are the moments of prayer that take place while I am up and about, or moving around the house. These moments are for me and Him, as I am pouring my heart out to Him, confessing my faults and frustrations and giving a voice to my hopes and dreams for the future. In these moments I will literally talk out loud to Him as if He were there, because for me He is! Not only do I talk to Him, but I will also listen for His response as He speaks in the still and small voice (compare to 1 Kings 19:12). This is one of the things that God does for me that helps me to not only endure the physical isolation, but also embrace it. After all, who better to present the tough questions to than the God of our salvation and the creator of Heaven and Earth?
There are going to be moments in our lives when we look at the landscape of our present situations and wonder how are we going to make it through to a better day, or even to any sort of blessing that we are seeking from the Lord. We have to remember that every time we ask the question, “How am I going to accomplish or acquire this or that,” God is there, ready for us to ask Him that question so that He can tell us, “I AM THAT I AM!” What this means is that God is big enough to fit into every single situation that we can and will encounter, and powerful enough to bring it all to the point of breakthrough, blessings, peace, joy, and security in Him. God wants us all to remember that He is THAT I AM, as if to say, “that thing that you are in need of, I am THAT for you!”
God is Your I AM.
In times when we are in need of help or intervention in our personal problems and obstacles, asking “who can I go to with these issues and needs, God wants to tell us, “I AM WHO you can turn to, always.” When looking towards tomorrow and wondering “how am I going to get through tomorrow, when today was so incredibly hard,” God would be there to say, “I WILL BE, because I promised to never leave you nor abandon you.” There is nothing in our lives that we He can’t help us through. We just have to make it our business to turn to Him always, making this a healthy daily habit.
In this season I have found myself re-learning these things and actively reminding myself of the many other benefits that come with being a child of God. I have asked myself these very questions that were mentioned in the previous paragraph, and in order to get the answers that I need, I must listen for the still and small voice. No matter what my questions are, and no matter what His answers may be, we must all walk in the revelation that God is the I AM that we are in need of, and He will forever desire to be so for us all. I cannot say that it’s always an easy thing to remember, nor will I be foolish enough to say that it’s an easy walk. However, I do know that understanding and internalizing the truth that God is the I AM that fulfills every need that I may have is something that I strive to do on a daily basis, and that this truth helps me though my toughest times. If we can get this truth down into our spirits, the hard things that we face may not be always easy, but they can and will always become easier in comparison to what it would look or feel like if we tried to go forward without Him being our I AM.
I think that it’s important to know that God wishes to be our personal everything, our very own I AM. So often, we as the people of God will seek the I AM and even preach the I AM to those who are in need. However, we can also forget this truth when it comes to our own needs, as if to say that God is a “corporate” God and not a personal God. As much as He loves the world and His creation, we must remember that He loves us as individuals as well as members of one body. He is not only concerned with those whom we pray and cry out for, for He is also concerned about the personal struggles, issues, desires, prayer requests, hopes and dreams that we all carry. In this season of re-learning these things about God, this is one that I really have to work on, because I have come to realize that I have let a lot of personal requests sit on the shelf or tucked away instead of bringing to the Father. This will be a future topic for another transparent post.
Conclusion
Just like what we see unfold in the life of Moses in Exodus 3, we all have either had or will have an encounter with God that will help to shape who and what we are. In that encounter, God will reveal Himself as the I AM for us personally and also for those whom we are connected to. Before Moses could deliver a nation of people into their own nation under God’s sovereignty, he had to know and accept that God was going to be everything he needed in order to complete this task. Moses had to understand that as the chosen leader, there were going to be only a few people that he could lean on, and that even then there would be times when he couldn’t even lean on them. He had to know and understand that God, as the I AM, was going to be the fulfillment of whatever Moses was personally needing. Therefore, Moses was not only commissioned to be the leader, deliverer, and the prophet to the nation, but he was also to be the example of what it meant to rely on God for everything—from daily personal needs to the needs of the nation as a whole. We may not be called to literally lead a nation of people out of bondage in the same way that Moses did, but we are all meant to be the example of what it means to rely on God and how to receive the benefits and blessings that comes from such a life.
My prayer is that we all would allow God to be our I AM, so that we can be all that He has called and designed us to be. We are not meant to walk this walk completely alone. We were meant to do this thing called life with the help and the guidance of the Great I AM.
I AM is who He is!
Until next week, be blessed everyone, in Jesus’ Name!
P.S. If this post resonates with you and your walk with Christ, please feel free to leave a comment about how you are learning to rely on God in this season of your life!
I am finally sitting down at the computer, aiming to get back to my writings, videos, and blogs. A lot has happened since I last posted on this site, and I figured that the best way to start and keep going is to be perfectly honest about where I’ve been these last few years.
Before I get into the details of the last few years, I do want to say just how grateful I am that God has seen fit to rescue me from the inner and external turmoil that I had experienced since my last post was shared. Romans 8:28 says, “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” There is no doubt in my mind that God has a plan for all of my mishaps, missteps, mistakes, down days, fierce battles, and tragedies that I have had to endure. God doesn’t just rescue His people and then leave them on the side of the road to fend for themselves. Instead, He walks us through to the place of the new start to the place of the manifestation of everything that the prior seasons of hardships prepared us for. I am looking forward to blogging about what God has done, what He is doing, and about what I am believing Him to one day do, as a result of a renewed faith and deeper sense of love and thankfulness towards Him.
Girl, Where You Been?!
My friends and family have been asking about my blogging, wondering when I would finally sit down to get back into it. I wasn’t sure about when I would start again, but I did know that some of the recent events of my life had been so jarring that it was hard to even get close to starting up again. For those who know me, they can honestly attest to the fact that I have two modes of operation when it comes to things like this: either I have a whole lot to say, or I have absolutely nothing at all to say. For the past three years, I haven’t had anything to say, but mostly because I was still processing everything that was happening around me. I spent a lot of that time either stuck or just absolutely numb. Oftentimes I found myself thinking about getting back to Heaven’s Table, however I would just sit next to my computer with no idea as to what I should say. And so now, I take a deep breath, and let myself begin this season of public transparency.
Where We Left Off
Taken at St. Peter’s Church in Tabgha, Israel; facing the Sea of Galilee.
My last post was rendered in December 2018. That post came about a month or so after my trip to Israel (which has been a huge desire of mine for a long time), and the entire experience was absolutely life changing, even awe inspiring. The overall experience of the trip still resonates within me to this day, and it has somewhat altered my life goals, expectations, and faith in the most positive of ways. I am planning on writing about a few of the experiences, so more on that later. Suffice it to say that I sat down at the computer in December 2018 with the desire to launch out again on this platform. Unfortunately, life got in the way. I’m not referring to the hustle and bustle of everyday life that can sometimes get in the way of progress, but rather the way that I had been living and battling within this life and within everything that would entail.
As a single woman, I spend a lot of time alone. As a minister in a prophetic ministry, I spend even more time alone outside of ministry duties and obligations, primarily because prophets and prophetic people need solitude in order to hear clearly what the Lord is saying about any number of things.. At the base of all of that I recognize that I have always had days/weeks/months/seasons of just feeling downright unmotivated to do anything productive, including but not limited to the upkeep of myself and my personal space. On top of all of that, the occasional yet overwhelmingly suffocating feeling of hopelessness would grip me in the middle of seasons where I aim to do something, anything. For the most part this feeling would subside just enough for me to get a breath or two in, but eventually it would creep back up around my neck and over my head. After a while, this went from an occasional occurrence to a daily occurrence. With no clue as to how to slough off these weighty feelings, I watched as days went by, paralyzed in an unfruitful place. Don’t get me wrong; I still got up and went to church, I still took turns teaching Bible Study and leading corporate prayer, I cooked, I continued to perform with a local audition group that I had been a part of for a few years by that time, and when invited to do so, I would sometimes go to gatherings and social events with friends. Other than that, I shut myself away– partly because I’ve always been a bit of a loner, but now it was because I just didn’t have the necessary steam to do anything outside of obligatory tasks and to keep up the appearance of me maintaining my personal status quo. I was able to give off the impression of being “okay” by still showing up to these events. If I can seem to be okay, maybe no one will try to fix me, and I can be left alone. It’s a sad (and, in hindsight, terrifying) thought, But that is where I was.
Sure, I would have good days, even great days. I would feel better after reading, praying, singing, cooking, studying the Bible, or even hanging out with my loved ones. Finding bright spots in my day or in my overall life was not the issue. The primary issue was the fact that I did not know how to maintain it.
Time rolls on, and I come to 2020. I’ve officially had enough of this oppressive cycle, and I knew that I needed help to get out of it and to defeat it. But, how? That was the question I asked myself over and over again. After all, as a minister of the Gospel of Jesus the Christ and the Kingdom of God, shouldn’t I be past this particular battle? Why can’t I seem to get a breakthrough in this area, when I have seen so many others receive their turn around or deliverance? After getting wise counsel from those who know me best, I decided to consult my doctor for an additional weapon for my arsenal against this heinous being: depression. We sat down and put together a plan of action to help get me back into a productive state, bit by bit. And as it turns out, this was the perfect timing, because a couple of months later, the world shifted into a state of chaos and uncertainty, brought on by the pandemic of the coronavirus. Now, I was not only alone (physically), but also isolated in the middle of a regional, statewide, nationwide, and even global shutdown. I shudder to think of how my life would have been if I hadn’t sought help against depression!
Getting Up, Then Knocked Back Down
Months rolled by, and despite the fact that I was isolated on my own Isle of Patmos, I was starting to feel okay again. Through virtual connections my church (just like many other churches during that time) stayed connected and even continued to pray together as well as learn and study the Bible together. I stayed in contact with my doctor, I found myself studying the Bible and teaching again with excitement instead of treating it like an obligation, and I was able to breathe again. I was no longer feeling suffocated. I was getting into a pattern around this “new norm,” and then the unthinkable happened: one of my fellow ministers from my church passed away. This loss shook the ministry as a whole, and mostly because we were waiting for and believing God for a miracle. We had to quickly come to grips with the fact that God has indeed delivered them from their pain and suffering, just not in the way in which we had hoped. It was devastating, but we pressed on. I pressed on, until sometime later, when the wind was knocked out of me. This time, it was my brother. After contracting COVID-19, being hospitalized, and then recovering to the point where he was out of the hospitals and rehab facilities and back at home, he passed away from a complication related to the virus.
The loss of my brother was so painful that I couldn’t even fully grieve, because the pain was too great. I kept experiencing what I called “emotional power surges,” where the pain would try to rise to the surface so that I could cry or do whatever I needed to do in order to process the loss, but instead of tears the manifestation of this pain was coming in the form of an internal pressure and anxiety. There was so much emotion that was pinned up within me, and it felt impossible to release it all. So, as I encountered moments like this, I would try to get it out, but trying to do so felt as if I was trying to shove a grizzly bear through a doggy door. Eventually the feeling would subside, and I would go on with my day–that is until it would well up within me again. To be perfectly honest, it still hurts like nothing that I have ever felt before. However, I am learning daily how to handle the pain. I’ll post on this particular topic at another time in the near future.
Picture taken from the balcony at Yad Vashem Holocaust Museum; facing Jerusalem, Israel.
Looking Ahead
These are just a few of the things that have happened within the last few years. As of now, I am finding that I can breathe again, after the wind was knocked out of me at the loss of my brother, after feeling winded in the press after a co-laborer passed away, after feeling fresh air hit my lungs for the first time after so many seasons of suffocating alone under the weight of depression and oppression. Today, I come to the Table with this opening blog for the start of my new season, ready to get candid about the things mentioned here as well as the other events that have transpired within the last few years. My (spiritual) Father says, “true honesty brings true deliverance,” and it is my prayer that my honesty will not only bring me to the point of deliverance, but also to anyone who would read this post and future posts, chronicling my journey into the life and life more abundantly that God has promised to me in His Word.
So, thank you for coming by Heaven’s Table after my unintentional hiatus. More content will be coming up within the next week. Thank you for going with me as I relaunch this blog!
“THE most important accessory I put on is a healthy dose of confidence….
#GODconfidence!”
I absolutely love fashion! I’m not one who subscribes to just any new trend, as some of them are absolutely RIDICULOUS (for example, the squiggly eyebrows….UGH!!!) Even regarding clothing and what’s considered “in season,” I don’t always follow that which is laid out for the next few months. I think that I have my own personal style, and that has been cultivated over the years. There are times when I may have the opportunity to go shopping, but I often times do not wear every purchased article of clothing in the same season. In fact, my favorite thing to do is to match a skirt from 3 or 4 seasons ago, for example, with a top that may be more recent, and then add some new jewelry and cute yet comfortable shoes to the outfit. Then, I look in the mirror, then…. BAM! This big girl is ready to head out into the world, head high and shoulders back!
All of this may be all well and good, but it’s not the most important thing I put on before stepping out. THE most important accessory I put on is a healthy dose of confidence….
#GODconfidence!
So, let’s look at where some of our confidence comes from.
People say that self-confidence is key, and it very much is a vital part of a healthy outlook in any and every area of our lives. But, let’s keep it real: when we know that we are loved inside and out, no matter what we are wearing or how we look, this gives us a big boost. The person or people who love us are instrumental in helping us to see beyond our stretch marks, skin blotches, big bellies, cellulite, thin limbs and hair that doesn’t look like it’s been professionally styled by the people who style J-Lo’s hair in the L’Oréal commercials! They embrace our imperfections and become our biggest cheerleaders. All of this helps us to see ourselves in a more flattering light.
At this point in my life I find myself trying out hairstyles, colors, and wearing styles and patterns that I wouldn’t dare to even think about wearing in times past. Polka dots? Blonde hair? Vintage style swing dresses? Tutus? All white dresses or outfits? Neverdid I see myself wearing such things! However, when GOD helped me to be comfortable with who I am in Him, this confidence spilled over into every area of my life, including my clothes. You see, when you’re comfortable with who you are, you can be comfortable in the skin you’re in (and the clothes that cover it!) I’m not the woman to dress to impress anyone. I just simply love me, because GOD loves me!
One of the most important lessons I have learned is that we should never wait on anyone to validate us, regarding looks, talent, value, or anything that makes us who we are. GOD validates me. That’s enough for me. If you are comfortable in what you are wearing, and if you an breathe without popping a button and potentially hitting someone in the temple and killing them, then strut your stuff! Be you in Christ!
Heaven's Table 